Seriously... My brain could explode

With how many things I have going on.

I'll start off with that I am happier now than I have been in a long time. I am no longer working for the big place that I was working for for almost 7 years. The company has changed alot since when I started to what it is now. On top of that just the commuting, people and general economy made me a miserable hot mess. I am freelancing on my own for now working on 2 big projects and picking up odd jobs where I can to make ends meet. LJ is being supportive and is telling me if I want to make a career change right now is the the time to do it.

On the plus side of being home more often, my flowerbeds have never looked better and I will be home in a couple of hours to bake some cupcakes for a cupcake decorating party I am throwing. Everytime I have a bright idea I think how could I make a job out of that?


I love make up = makeup artist = starving artist = no
I love to bake= baker = fatter = no
I love the internet = internet stalker? = social networking?= web design = possibly
I love throwing parties = event planner = possibly.
I love to shop = personal shopper = amassing credit card debt = no


I am getting way more into my domesticated side although I am still not cooking. I am also planning on using this little break from work to start eating healthier and taking care of myself. I have some doctor appointments lined up for the next few weeks starting today. It's not that I don't like doctors its just that I didnt like taking time off of work to do them. Now that I am on my own schedule I can do them in the middle of the day no problem.

My mental health has definately improved since this change. I am def optimistic at this point.

LA you're not my home but a nice place to visit

When people outside of California ask me where I am from I always say LA. It's easier than explaining that I am from a small beach community 20-3o miles south of LA. I got transfered out to 90210 back in February and have been adjusting ever since. I now live in Orange County as most like to refer to "The OC" which is about 45 miles into LA. Most people tell me I am out of my mind to do the commute and I mostly agree. So I finally decided to catch the train into work.

Before taking the train I was really worried I would get really carsick. I am no good at being a passenger. I need to have the air on at all times. I have to stop and pullover on really curvy roads. Even on the train its still a 2 hour commute each way. What does a carsick girl do on a train? I can't read which would be the best thing for me. Any ideas besides the ipod?

It felt like it was the first day of school riding the train, because you know that its the same people that see each other everyday and can tell when there is a newbie in the mix. I met some nice people on the train and LJ always tells me I can make a brickwall talk and sure enough I did. I also made friends with the bus driver who gave me pointers to make my commute a little shorter.

The other thing that I noticed while I was on the train and generally notice when I take funky ways home to avoid traffic is that there are a lot of cool things going on in the city. I just found out that Legally Blonde has a musical! I am absolutely in love with Reese Witherspoon and although she is not the one doing the musical just because she is related to it is enough to make me go watch it. That and I love pink! There are interesting places to eat all over the city some I have heard of, some I have to Yelp to figure out if they are good and other places I am willing to try just to say I did. I don't think I could ever live in the actual city although I say I could live in San Francisco if given the chance. It's just too busy and crowded for me. I may not have the most interesting neighbors that I want to be BFF with but at least they have their space and I have mine.

Oh and in related LA news, I had my first Junior League social last week. It was a lot of fun. One of the girls I met mentioned that the place we had our meeting was kind of like a sorority house (name and all!) and if we had to pose to take a picture it was a soririty for women. Sure enough we had to pose! I ran into some of the same people i met at the open house and new faces too. A lot of the people who just joined are not from California and you can tell by the way they talk are how nice they are. Not saying us Californians or really Southern Californians aren't nice just different. I am so looking forward to getting to explore the city with all the JL girls and forging new friendships with like-minded women. Anyone else doing Junior League in your city?

P.S.: I want a puppy! Especially since I am living in a house that comes with a built in puppy door!

Yes, I am just that cute.

LJ and I were having a discussion about what I want to do for a living. I told him jokingly that I want to be a stewardess (PC I know). He said it would be rough. Why? B/c all sorts of guys would be hitting on me. I went on to say, how do you know that doesn't already happen? It does!

It used to happen more often than it does now, but then again I am a little older and I have just learned to ignore creepy men now.


So today I went to Costco for lunch and I was standing in the registration line for my renewal/card. So the guy behind me starts chatting me up trying to impress me with "I just left the studio" and we are talking about parties (he's there to stock up for a party) and booze (which is my main reason for going there 98% of the time) and I could totally feel it. I have no interest whatsoever, but it still feels nice you know?

So there! You see I get hit on all the time.

It's Not a Quarter Life Crisis...

I think it's more of a quarter - life turn. A lot of things have been buzzing around my head lately with my upcoming birthday. I will be the big 2-5 on Wednesday. I've been having my own internal pressures of "what am I doing in my life?" along with LJ and my mom.

So here the deal... a lot of things have to change for me to be ultimately happy. Work wise, I think it's getting stagnant. Better, I am getting stagnant. A lot of people who do my job actually stay here forever. That's not for me. I think I want to stay doing the same thing I do just not in the same industry. There are certain aspects of my job that I truly enjoy like the personal interactions, the numbers and even a little bit of the stress. I am not happy unless I am really busy. At the same time I question the fact if that is a true statement or if it's just something I have lead myself to believe b/c of the way I live my life. I have accepted the fact that I am always busy not necessarily that I always like being so busy.

The other thing that has been looming over my head is this whole college thing. Anyone who doesn't know my family directly doesn't know that: a) I am one of 2 people on both sides of the family that speak English (the other being my brother), b) I am the only one that actually finished high school (in the states or abroad), or c) I am the only one who has even attempted college. Not to say that I am a total slacker and that I went one semester and dropped. I think I am on that 10 year now changing into a 12 year program. I started when I was 16 and have been going part time ever since. On and off. I have been off for almost 2 years now. You don't even realize that you get off track for so long. Life gets in the way with having to support yourself sometimes your education gets put on the backburner. So for the summer I am not going to school ( I did that and hated every second of it) but I am going to take a fun class like dance or calligraphy just to get the mental juices flowing and being back on a set schedule. In the fall I will take one "real" class just to get me warmed up for whatever I decide to do for the spring.

Ideally, there would be a way for me to have a job that would work around my school schedule that didn't pay minimum wage. I think that's the hardest thing to come to terms with. Most people go back to school b/c they need a better education to get more money. I've cut my expenses so low that I could probably live off of a student salary. Do I want to? No. I already make decent money doing what I do. Getting a degree would make no difference.

There are good things coming within the next couple of months that are fun and exciting, but I have a habit of posting the things that are making my head first vs. the things that give me butterflies. Next post. I promise.

So happy Birthday to me on Wednesday. 25 here I come!

I'm not Jerry McGuire, I hope

I don't even know if I spelled the name right. I have been under a lot of stress lately with things that affect me directly. I am worried that I am gonna stay up one night and write a long book of gibberish and distribute it and walk out with the goldfish. Just sayin'.

I will be back when I can write a coherent sentance or a least pretty bullshit.

*Cheers!*

I am getting the last laugh!

So 2 major things have come to surface this week. One I can't discuss in too much detail but the person(s) involved dicked me around too much on so many levels and deserves whats coming to them. Cheers Bitches! *Can you smell the animosity?*

The second one slighlty more detail. So you know sometimes there are people you should not become involved with yet somehow you talk yourself into thinking its a good idea? I had one of those. I can't even call him a bf. Things didn't end as I would have wanted but what can you do? I still have contact with this person just because of the nature of what I have going on in life and even if I don't have to speak to this person directly we still have a lot of people in common. Anyway I found out they were seeing someone new and they asked me if x or y had told me. I didnt know anything about it until it came out of their mouth. This was all confirmed by photos floating around and the only thing I could think in my head "Geez, you got older and fat since the last time I saw you. And that girl with you isn't that cute and to top it off she's old! Glad I didn't keep wasting my 20 something's time." *Barf*

Anyway seeing what turned out just put me in such a good mood. In both cases.

Decisions

Seem's like only yesterday LJ and I started dating. We are less than 60 days away from our year anniversary. Whowouldathunkit? I know most of you guys have been with your guys forever so a year doesn't seem like that long but you know to everyone its different.

A not very known fact around here is that I have been engaged twice. The first time was a giant mistake and it was just a band-aid to cover up a huge problem. I was young and dumb. The second go 'round seem like the right thing to do but I knew in my hearts of hearts that he wasn't the one for me.

LJ and I have been talking about long-term plans for a while now. Last night he told me something that was totally unexpected.

"If I was basing this decision only on emotions you and I would be married already."

Yay! In the same discussion he also brought up something that he knows will affect me greatly. LJ is an entrepreneur. I am a 9-5 girl that likes very little things to change and I love stability. LJ is very seat of his pants in everything he does while I am methodical borderlining OCD. I like to have control of everything. Funny thing is had you asked me 4 years ago I was a totally different person. His concern is he knows me very well and he knows that I have worked very hard to get to where I am at and he wants to make sure that I can handle emotionally the ups and downs that come with his business. Odd question? Not really. He knows I get anxiety relatively easy and he knows on the downtimes of his business he will already be kicking himself and he just wants to know that I wont be kicking him while he is down *i.e.: telling him to get a 9-5*.

Seriously, what the hell can I say to that? I love him, I will support him 10, 20 or 50 years down the road. Besides, its not like I don't bring enough home to support both of us and then some. Or does he expect me to say now that I don't think I can handle what MAY happen in 10 years and miss out on a great relationship based on something that MAY happen? One of the reasons I love him is the fact that he is ambitious. Hell he just got a business off the ground this year, we don't know the full results yet but still it take a lot to get it going.

Thoughts anyone?

Dumpster Diving?

So I know I have been a bad blogger. Even if it seems I am not around. I am here all the time. Normally just trying to catch up on my reader. I haven't even been a good commenter. Apologies to all.

Anyway on to the original subject. So from my last post most of you should have seen I have moved. The move was semi-planned but not really. I've known I was going to move for the last 2 months, I just didnt do much about it. I did throw away a lot of things and some things I couldn't get rid of till the last minute from guilt.

When my Ex and I broke up I had already moved into the aparment I just vacated. That move was even less planned b/c we only had six days to get the hell out of there. That's another story for another day. Anyway a lot of things got moved into my garage that I never looked at that were his. I knew they were down there. In the few months of friendship that we had after the break up I urged him to pick it all up. Even till recently I would send him text messages and I even called his dad to let him know that I have his stuff in my garage. My Ex was very passive-aggressive to say the least. So why am I making such a big deal about his stuff? Why didn't I just throw it out? Why didn't I Ebay it? B/c I have a heart. I was bugging him to come pick up all his family albums and pictures of when his son was born. *Yeah, who knew I was a psuedo-stepmom for 2 1/2 years*. I just couldn't imagine what I would feel if someone threw out something so important. He had 12 months to come and get it, yet he never did. So all this stuff that ended up being at least 3 boxes that actually moved ended up in my new garage.

I just coudn't take it anymore. We still have a lot of unresolved financial issues that I am still paying for that I can't even take advantage of that I am still angry about because he has now completely dissapeared. So all his stuff got thrown in the trash. Sadly, instead of feeling better it I actually feel worse. I don't really think it has to do with him but more with his son. His son and I were very close b/c the mom for a long time was very away and unstable. Then she went on to have another child and he was more or less ignored. He will never get to see all those pictures.

Congratulations asshat you just took some more of your kids dysfunctional childhood. If you would like to see your pics again go to the local dumpster they will be there. Fucker. I'll see you in court.

Moving Day

So today is day 1 of my big move. I know I should be excited about this move but in fact I am hating it. I am waiting for my dad to come over and I haven't done much of anything.

I should be exciting about having 2 days off., yet I'm not.

Moving sucks. My mood sucks.

Long Day

My stress levels have been up for the last 24-48 hours and I haven't been dealing too well. It started with a clusterfuck of a mess at work that was partially my fault. The other belonging to another party, but finally we ended up throwing someone else under the bus. Which I feel really horrible about because it's not in my nature to do that in my personal life so why do it in my professional? It was just a matter of logistics and the party that did get thrown down their kind of deserved it and with everything involved we would be on the losing end of it. Anyway not trying to justify it. It happened. I feel like hell about. The fortunate part of it is that it ended up clearing up today *even though it's not even necessary now* but at least now we wont be under a time crunch. Oh and I got chewed out by one of my superiors in front of 3 peers. Fun. This was the biggest fuck up I have ever had in this job.

On top of that with my stress levels up it ups all my other emotions. LJ was trying to be supportive and I just snapped at him. On top of that I just hung up on him. I felt bad. It wasn't his fault I just let everything get to me. He normally stays at his place and works late but seeing how upset I was he came right over even after I begged him to stay home and that I would be fine.  I guess thats what a guy does when he really cares about you.  I've been meaning to go see the psychiatrist. Hell I even called last week to make an appointment. They gave me paperwork to fill out before I even show up. I am just using it now as an excuse not to go. Procrastination. My first name. My  middle name. My last name.  Help.

I do have some fun stuff coming up on the horizon. If I could just get out of this funk and stop crying at sad country songs and happy country songs. Damn.

Silver-Lined Living

I have known for a while that I would be moving from my current casa. I love my place but at the same time it is lacking a lot of things that I am looking for. I found a new place accidentally with a new friend K. I met K at my nail place that I've been going to forever. We are near the same age, work for competing companies & have the same style. We exchanged phone numbers to hang out on a future occasion. We ended up hanging out a week ago and we were talking about our living situations and she has an extra room for rent. 

When I originally started looking for a place I didn't consider even having a roommate. I have gotten used to living by myself. You know the being able to run around nekkid, my own food in the fridge and no one else making a mess. But what do you do when the perfect place comes and smacks you in the face? This place has everything I have been looking for and then some. I even made a comment a week before to LJ saying "wouldn't it be nice if I could find a place with a fireplace?" I now have one in my room.

So it wasn't what I was originally looking b/c of the roommate but I am trying to look at the brighter side of things. I will be paying half of what I pay in rent now, I will be living in a way better less crowded neighborhood, I have real parking that I don't have to pay extra for, its closer to the freeway, and did I mention that I will be paying half of what I am paying now?

Also as part of my new years "resolution" the whole chick friends thing this might be a good thing. She is a single girl with more girl friends than I do. She in general is more social than I am. She has even mentioned throwing parties and other shennanigans. She went to Vegas this weekend on a whim. So I think she will be a good addition to my current friends. 

Lets hope this all works out and I am not looking for a new place less than 6 months from now. 

New Year 2008

First week of the new year has given me a little bit of time to digest what will be happening . I am not setting new years resolutions because I know I won't stick to them. I just need to live my life in the way I know will be in my best interest. So here are some things I will be focused on.

1. Apartment: I have decided to leave my current apartment. Don't get me wrong its great and has a lot of what I am looking for but it's still missing a lot of things that I really want. That and it is way over market. Since I have time till my lease is up I am taking my time to look at things. I already found a perfect place only problem is it belongs to another girl who wants a roommate. What to do? What to do? Do I want a roommate again? With such a perfect apartment landing in my lap?
2. Health: So the 14 lbs. I lost I gained back and lost again. And a little bit more! Yay! I am paying out the wazoo right now for the gym so I intend on using it. Along with that I am still seeing my therapist who will be referring me to the psychiatrist for meds. At least I know I need help. Between the 2 things I am working on I think I will be happier in a few months. Depression and anxiety aren't fun.
3. Work/School: So this 10 year program is not cutting it. I have been in school to long and doing one class at a time sucks. With me moving and paying off my car it leaves me a with a lot less expenses which will ease up my stress of having to work so much. Depending on what work does I may just go back to school full time. Then again it could totally upswing and I could be making a lot of money again and school gets put back for another year. Why can't I be one of those super people who can work full time and go to school full time? Well I could but I would want to kill myself and not have any kind of social life. I don't have a real need for the piece of paper b/c I am pretty well skilled in my business, I have a ton of experience and I make more money than a lot of new people with degrees. But I know if I ever want to move on up that I need to finish school unless I want to end up on a dead end.
4. Relationship: So I think I should give the BF a name instead of just the BF. He is LJ. LJ and I are trucking along in relationship bliss. I can't really forsee what is going on in our future. We talk about the future a lot but sometimes I think it's just me talking out of my butt. When it comes to relationships I am far more experienced than he is even though he is almost 4 years older than I am. I am so used to being on a real fucked up relationship super highway that being in a normal speed flowering non-drama relationship is still a little odd to me. I think I need to stop putting pressure on myself (and I am sure on LJ too unconciously) about where this relationship should be. It's not a race. Most of my friends have already been around the track once. It's okay for me to just be tying up my shoelaces and seeing everyone go by and sprint when I am only ready for the warm-up jog. If you don't do the warm up jog you end up on the side of the track with a pain in your side b/c you tried too hard or worse you completely fall out of the race. I don't want to fall out of the race with LJ.
5. Friends: I am making an honest effort to have more girlfriends. I came to realize that I lost a lot of friends when I was in my last relationship for a number of reasons. First my guy "friends" had ulterior motives and I knew it. Yet I still kept them as friends until they came to realize that I wasn't going anywhere with them. Then I lost a lof friends to having kids. Mind you I love kids but its kinda hard to balance a kid on your hip and drink out of a beer mug. Girlfriends are hard to come by when you live so far from where you are working and just meeting genuine people in LA/OC is hard. Let's hope I have better luck this year with that. I'd also like more blogging friends. Probably would help if I didnt lurk so much and actually commented on the blogs I read. I'm trying though.

Tear drops on my phone

I wish my teardrops were for something easy like a high school boy crush like for Taylor Swift. Unfortunately, I am an adult *barely, kicking and screaming* and mine have to do with my family. My family has put up a pretty good facade for the last 30 something years and it seems within the last 2-3 its ready to crack and crumble.

My mom and I had a long talk last week *I couldn't even talk about it till now* rehashing some of the past issues deeply connected to me. I found out information that had I been told at the time it was going on it would have made me feel better about the whole situation. To the point where I wouldn't have placed so much blame on everyone involved. There are issues that I know time can't heal. My mom says that I need to get over them so I can move on and not carry so much anger with me. I wish it was that easy. I started seeing a therapist a little over year ago that was spawned from current events in my life. Since my current life is pretty well situated (well as much as it can be) now we have started working back. It's rough. I don't even want to talk about it. Yet I will. Only because I don't want to be angry forever. We both ended up crying over the phone. I am the only child she can talk to.

I wish my family was more open with their problems. They are afraid of what other people will think. If they only knew that they weren't the only one's out there dealing with these issues. That they could get help either from outside organizations or just from family friends. I have a feeling that in later years I will no longer be associated with them. I will lose my last name when I get married and never look back. I can be motivated by a lot of things but no matter what I am losing I think that I will still come out better for not keeping some of the things involved.

P.S. Never tell your kids that they weren't the best kids that they could get. Because a) you have to look at the gene pool they came from and b) b/c they are still more successful than you are by a longshot. Well at least I am. I can't speak for the rest.

*smile*

I don't get to see a lot of my friends in person so I talked to a lot of them in the IM. My friend AS is rarely ever on and when he is on it is because he is at work. You can tell how hard he works for his money right? Anyway, turns out he is getting married. Yay! I am honestly very happy for him I am glad he found someone that he wants to spend the rest of his life with. The funny thing about IM because you don't have to look anyone in the eye or hear inflections in someone voice (or cracks for that matter) people get a little braver in what they say.



So after telling me that he is getting married he confessed his long time crush for me ever since french toast. *smile* AS and I have been friends for so long that I didn't figure that he really liked me. Especially after calling me his "bratty little sister" for so long. I asked him why he never said anything about it especially b/c at one point I had one on him. He said b/c I intimidated him. Me? Intimidate? he said b/c I have always been very driven it was something that he knew he couldnt keep up with.



Being called driven is one the nicest things that someone can say to me. Just b/c yes I do bust my arse off all day to bring home the proverbial bacon. So when someone can recognize that about me especially when they understand it is outside of my professional life it just means that much more. So then he turned it around me why I never told him. Because I never thought he took me seriously. Come on call me your "bratty little sister" that doesn't sound too sexy to me. Then he went on about how he took me too seriously thats why he could never get the courage to make a move.



Technically he did make a move at one point when for a short time span we were both single. I just didnt follow up on it. I thought it was him just being nice. I am just oblivious sometimes. What can I say?



He said I am going to become a song one day *AS is a musician*. I asked him if it was about the crazy times we had... he said no, I am that girl that he wonders what could have been.

Why I don't sleep

Today started unusually early for both of us. The BF is just sick and tired of having to battle traffic every morning from my house to his house everyday and I had a meeting at 8:30 so we woke up in the 6 o'clock hour this morning. Well at least he did and I stayed in bed, but it was useless. I am so used to having him in bed with me that I basically tossed and turned for another half hour before I gave up and got out of bed.

We have both admitted that we can't sleep without each other anymore. To the point no matter how tired either one of us is that we drag ourselves to each others houses to sleep in the same bed. Yep, we don't even live together. We do grocery shopping and costco runs together but we don't live together. With his business taking off I know there will be more than a couple of nights a year that he will be gone and I will probably have insomnia. Great.

So for his X-mas gift I am thinking of getting the Stiletto 2 any thoughts anyone?

Finally...

In a bit of a better mood. Work hasn't gotten much better honestly but on the homefront at least I am less stressed out.



I put my apartment up for sub-lease / just take it over but all the people that have been interested have been really flakey. I know my apartment is more expensive than the rest in the area. Why? Because it is a lot nicer. Nice cost money. And no I am not making a cent on it. I am just transferring what the management company is charging me. I figure if all else fails I will just wait it out till my lease is up considering I am done in less than 3 months. Then again it would be nice to be in a new place before the new year. Oh well we will see what happens.



I did some major shopping for myself yesterday. Bought 5 pairs of shoes. I wore a pair of them to work today. I actually feel pretty in them. The outfit I am wearing is a little.... whats the word... not as nice, but at least I feel good with the shoes on. Oh and I also bought a pair of jeans, trousers and a cute plum shirt.



I really should be shopping for Christmas stuff. Or for my nephew's birthday present. My mom told me not to buy him anything cheap. Well Ma, as you know I am not in a position to buy anything fancy for him. I will buy him whatever I please. I don't need instruction. Or did you forget I am the best gift-buyer in the family?



Christmas has me all in an antsy. I dread the malls. I am still early enough to buy everything online though. Which I just may especially with everyone offering free shipping. I still hate christmas. I will have to do a seperate post about why.



The only thing I have going right now that isn't causing me any heartache is that the bf and I are still doing really well. I don't want to make it sound like a surprise that it is. I just know how I work and the fact that he hasn't ran screaming for the hills is a good sign. I have been a bit up and down lately emotionally lately *I'm still blaming the PMS* but he has totally been there all the way for me. *smile* I tell him (or I should) sometimes that I wish I had met him earlier in life so I could have saved some time and started my happily ever after a lot sooner.

*Gah*

When one part of your life is going really well then the other one starts going to hell. In general and in the big picture it's not so horrible but while you are going through it you just hope for it to be done as soon as possible.

Work has been going pretty well. I have been in this position for over a year now and I have been with this company for over 4. I understand that this type of industry has its ups and downs. On top of that I also know that personal interferences can effect it as well. But what do you do when both come together outside of your control and wreak havoc on you?

You toughen up and keep a stiff upper lip.

P.S. I hate Christmas.

Everyone's Doing It

Seeems everyone and their mom is involved in National Blogging Month. I can' barely keep up with a day in a month versus every day. Anyway, I've noticed that everyone has been telling stories of their past. This is one that came up in conversation recently that I didn't finish b/c it felt really weird telling it to the person I was telling it to.

I had a high school sweetheart that I was seeing from the end of my Junior year to my Senior year in high school. It ended becuase I ended it. Nice guy. Not the guy for me. He love me. I didnt love him. The funny thing is that even though I am the one that did it I was still miserable about the whole thing.

And you know misery loves company. I had already started college when I was in high school during my junior year. I was pretty bored with the high school scene and it was nice to hang out with people more at my level. So 2-3 nights a week I was at the college. I had made a few friends and made friends with friends. I had a friend Kristen in one of my photography classes my first year. The following year she introduced me to her friend Todd. At the time that Todd and I met we were both in serious relationships *well as serious at we could be for that time in our lives*. Then both of our relationships ended at the same time.

For the next couple of months we hung out all the time. I'm talking till 2-3 in the morning talking about nothing and watching movies that I would have never watched on my own. He is probably the reason I can watch independent and foreign films without falling asleep or that I don't only watch crap movies all the time. We never actually spoke of our relationships except to acknowledge their ending. We would go out to dinner hang out at his house or my house. At the time we still both lived with our parents. He went to my high school gradutation. My parents thought it was a little strange that a 23 year old guy was hanging out with a17/18 year old girl. I actually don't think they realized how old he was I think it was just the fact that he was in college and still hanging out with a high schooler. They still really like him, which is a hard thing to say especially about my mom. It was just comfortable.

We never had any kind of romantic relationship, but at one point I actually wondered if it could be possible. I even posed it to him which was a bold move for me. It just seemed like a natural progression considering that guys and girls can never be just friends. I never actually found him physically attractive even though now in retrospect he actually was good looking in a way. Anyway, the day I posed this proposition is the day our friendship went to hell in a handbasket. At the time I didn't understand what I had done wrong. Even now I don't think I did anything wrong I think it was just a matter of timing and the fact that we were really just friends. He just thought it was strange because we had been platonic friends for so long. When all this happened I had barely moved and he came over with a housewarming present. A book. A cook book. I am sure he would be glad to know that I still don't cook but I still have the book sitting in my kitchen. That was the last time we really hung out. I think this was about the time we both realized we had to move on from this little abyss we had created and start meeting new people if we ever wanted to have a shot of a real relationship vs. hanging out comfortably with somone you have no real romantic interest in.

I knew the little bit of... what would you call it... not romantic interest, but .... compatibility was there. Just not us together. Shortly there after he started dating another half mexican/white girl who was a little chubby and a little young. Since we couldn't work out I guess he went to the next thing that was as closest he could find. To this day I still wonder what ever happened to him. His parents live maybe 10 minutes from me and I pass by their house everytime I go to the drug store to pick up my meds. Every once in a while I think of actually stopping in and say hi because his parents were so sweet to me. I hope he doesn't still live there. I mean, he would almost be 30 and still living at home. I would assume he is probably doing well I think he finished his degree in English Lit which doesn't surprise me too much considering that he was kind of a nerd that way.

So if you are out there and you recognize this story about you.... I wish we had stayed friends. Platonic friends. Every time I hear Counting Crows I think of you.