Headcase.

I wish I could tell ya'll that I have been having a fabulous time in the sunshine and playing with the imaginary puppy I've been begging my bf to get me.

Sometimes I wonder if I bite off more than I can chew. I have been having a feeling of overwhelm for the last couple of weeks to the point that I am just withdrawing from life a little bit. Not noticable to most but I know that I am letting things fall to the wayside that I really should be taking care of. Which is also why I have been semi-MIA on my blog. Oh and my reader? Almost to 1,000. Awesome.

I actually have some great posts floating in my head and some pictures I want to share for the OCD organized. I will get to it soon. I will at least try to catch up on commenting. If I am not here then I must be at your blog.

Talk to everyone soon.

P.S.S. For anyone doing the "Don't Go Over in October" Challenge.... I have only fallen off the wagon once. I had a credit at Ross and I ended up spending a little over my credit on shoes. But seriously? Can we ever have too many shoes?

The one where Janet Jackson is my drunken bff and Miley Cirus is a *#%W#()

You know you've been exposed to too much social media when you start dreaming about it. I can't remember the last time I dreamt about anyone outside of my immediate friends and family or even blogland people.

Over the weekend I had a dream about Janet Jackson. We were at a charity event together where I was supposed to bring a banana peel to honor the organization the charity was for. I was introduced to Janet and she all of a sudden became all BFF with me and was chugalluging her booze. And she was wearing that outfit where she had the "costume malfunction". There was another guy who introduced himself as Sam somethingoranother and I didn't know he was a celebrity rapper. Which isn't too surprising considering I listen to country. Miley Cirus was on the otherside screaming at an assistant to get her a latte and being a total bitch and giving us the stink-eye for no apparent reason.

The next scene is us sitting front row on a catwalk and Janet wont STFU. And then Sam's name is said by the MC and he starts mumbling that he is not going up there and he is definatetly not performing. Janet is starting to slide off her chair and is yelling something about "I want those kids. I don't know why my mom got those kids and the damn money! Those are my kids and my money!" The models start coming down the runway and one of them passes out in front of Janet from being so starved and instead of people helping the model they are all trying to calm down Janet. I am looking after the model and Janet is screaming at me that she wants me to take her to her moms to pick up the kids. I tell her she is out of her mind and I am not driving her out to LA from Newport and she can spend the night at my house to get her shit together.

Yeah, crazy dream. Anyone care to share?

Where the paycheck comes from

I wish I could talk about work more openly it would probably make for a more interesting blog. Here are a few of the highlights:

1. My work is one of the places that has been splashed all over the news with lay-offs.
2. I survived a lay-off back in Thanksgiving which I am thankful for.
3. I got transferred to a new location that is not necessarily a lot farther but because of location it can take me 2 1/2 hours to get home from work sometimes. (38 miles in LA?)
4. It takes me about an 1 1/2 to get to work right now.
5. I can't afford to have lunch out everyday anymore b/c of the change in my personal economy and location of new offices. (I am not going to spend $20 dollars on a sandwhich)
6. I have doubled my gas bill but I still can justify taking public transportation because its a joke. Even with the company picking up half of the tab I can't let myself get carsick every day on a train.
7. I've been with the company 5 years and this is my 4th relocation. Everyone always asks me why I don't move with my work my response is why? I am probably going to get moved again so might as well stay close to friends and family.
8. I actually have to put on make up on every day and real work clothes most days now.
9. My soul selling has so far gotten me a tank of gas and utility bill paid. I have some change for lunch too.
10. Being so much on the road not only causes wear and tear on you car but on your brain too. In some cases more on the brain than on the car.
11. The most exciting thing last week was that they repaved the ugliest street with the worst potholes that I use as an exit.

In Review... Looking Forward...

I can't say anything spectacular happened in 2008. I've had a couple less than stellar moments involving work and my family. These things were out of my control and I just tried dealing with them as best as I could.

This next year I am expecting to see a couple of changes in life for the good. You could call them goals but these are already works in progress.

1. Keep losing weight. So far so good. Need to start hitting the whole thing harder.
2. Hoping to get engaged this year. LJ's business is doing well so it seems more likely to happen now. We've already talked about it. Yes, he knows about my imaginary wedding. He is planning the imaginary honeymoon. Now can we get to the REAL ring?
3. Figure out what I am going to do workwise. I don't want to get put in a position that I am not comfortable with.
4. Still need to figure out what to do school wise. I am getting transferred with work so I think that is going to make it even harder b/c of the location.
5. Need to get a real budget and stick to it. Money will be getting tighter next year. The economy is affecting me too ya'll.
6. I already work with a charity organization, plus my world vision kids but I want to start something else.
7. Start paring down my stuff. I have too much stuff. Or at least organize it better. Ebay anyone?

It's one way to start a diet

Since Saturday I've lost 6 pounds and counting. New diet? Cabbage only? No carbs, all meat you ask? No! No way to kick start a diet like food poisoning! I don't know how I got it or when I got it all I know is that it's still here. I have wasted a Monday doing absolutely nothing b/c I haven't been able to be away from the potty too long and everything hurts.  I think the only perk I have had is that I have been able to catch up on my feeder. 

As for the weekend... it makes for an interesting ride when you are with 2 guys in a car for 8 hours. Somewhere between the confederate flags and the deer signs and the cow fields I knew I wasn't in LA anymore. LJ called this the drama side of the family and he wasn't kidding. The bride and groom were really sweet. I only wish them a happy life.

When we went to see LJ's family for Christmas last year I was lucky enough to get sick then too. I wonder if his mom ever thinks "this sickly girl".  The more I get to know LJ's mom the more I realize that we think a lot a like. The funny thing is that LJ and my mom think a lot alike too. When LJ went to go run an errand his mom and I touched a sticky subject that I have an opinion on but I thought I was the only one. LJ has a little brother CJ who is a year older than me. He's a nice enough guy gives me a hard time. LJ tells me that its because his little brother is threatened by the fact that LJ and I have such a close relationship.  Anyway CJ has a girlfriend that he has been on and off for 2 1/2 years. His gf lets call her SS is a nice enough girl, smart, pretty. She has been nothing but gracious and kind towards me. The bad thing is that for some odd reason she just drives me up the wall. Maybe it's b/c she is pretentious without a clue. 

When LJ's mom and I were talking she pointed out that she didn't know why CJ was with SS if they will never get married. CJ has told his mom that he has thought about moving back to the Northwest and giving up life here in SoCal. SS has just earned a graduate degree and has stated that she will take a job wherever (i.e East Coast) she can get one. When LJ and I were talking about going up North to see his family and he mentioned CJ was coming and so was SS the first thing out of my mouth was "Why is she coming? It's not like they are gonna be together." LJ has even made comments starting with" I hope CJ's next girlfriend...".  Maybe it's because we are on the outside and not looking in. Then again you never know what goes on behind closed doors .  I really shouldn't care as much, yet I do. It will work it's self out no matter what LJ, LJ's Mom or I think.

My therapist isn't on vacation....

but I am totally feeling mental today. I see her tomorrow but I am deep into my emotions today. I don't know if its all the booze I've consumed for the last couple of days or if its the fact that Aunt FLO is due to visit, I am just not feeling right.

There's a lot of things that have been floating around lately that I haven't talked about. One of them being my mental health is running amok again and I don't want to deal with it. I take that back. I don't want to be medicated. I know that it would be the best thing for me and it would solve a lot of my other issues that I have going on, its still just scary you know?

I keep asking why can't we fast forward life for a couple of months to just to through the rough spots. I know why. Because thats how we miss the good that would have came with the rough and worse thats how you just fast forward to another rough patch - we can never tell what's really gonna happen.

One of the few things I have going for me is that at least I know I am loved.  I am grateful for that. 

Dillusional

So I've been away for a few days from writing and I actually wrote down my ideas so I don't forget. During Thanksgiving (another post I didn't get around to writing) the BF's friend BV had this girl he met on myspace come out. LV. Nice girl. A little young. Young being my age. He will be 30 in March besides the point. I guess they have been in a cyber relationship for a couple of months so it's cool that she came out.

LV came back out this last week and more information got spilled. Turns out that she is leaving the middle of nowhere town to come out here to Southern California. She wants to move right in with him. His friends talked him out of it. She will be renting a one-bedroom apartment which is way higher than market (and really out of her price range) for the area b/c he picked it for her so she could be conveniently located to him. She has friends out here that live about 10 miles from where he lives. Wouldn't it make more sense to live closer to your friends than the guy that you just met especially when you rent is so high? Along with that she has a good job out where she is from but since licensing laws are different out here she has to take a crap job that only pays $38K a year until she can get that straightened out. Southern California living isn't cheap people. I mean we are no New York but still you pay for every sunny day. So I am just doing the math for her and she is gonna end up screwed. She will be living with him within 6 months.

I being a numbers person focus on the money first. Let's move on. So when I saw her over the weekend we had a chance to chat and a couple of red flags went up. She calls BV her best friend. Seriously? Who does that? While making puppy eyes? Secondly, since they have been "dating", they have text message fights. High school anyone? Thirdly and most importantly the BF went over to BV's for football on Sunday and guess what she was doing? READING A WEDDING MAGAZINE? WTF?

I guess you would have to understand BV to see why this is all so crazy. She is a really sweet girl and I would hate to see her get hurt. The guys think she has an ulterior motive. I just think she is naive and doesn't know what she is getting herself into. In the meantime since I like the girl and unfortuntely I can't tell her about what kind of financial clusterfuck she is getting herself into and her relationship is not anything I am gonna meddle in either I tolder LV that is she needs help shopping and settling in to let me know and I would be happy to show her around.]

Lets hope it all works out for everyone to live happily ever after.