My therapist isn't on vacation....

but I am totally feeling mental today. I see her tomorrow but I am deep into my emotions today. I don't know if its all the booze I've consumed for the last couple of days or if its the fact that Aunt FLO is due to visit, I am just not feeling right.

There's a lot of things that have been floating around lately that I haven't talked about. One of them being my mental health is running amok again and I don't want to deal with it. I take that back. I don't want to be medicated. I know that it would be the best thing for me and it would solve a lot of my other issues that I have going on, its still just scary you know?

I keep asking why can't we fast forward life for a couple of months to just to through the rough spots. I know why. Because thats how we miss the good that would have came with the rough and worse thats how you just fast forward to another rough patch - we can never tell what's really gonna happen.

One of the few things I have going for me is that at least I know I am loved.  I am grateful for that. 

Yes, I am just that cute.

LJ and I were having a discussion about what I want to do for a living. I told him jokingly that I want to be a stewardess (PC I know). He said it would be rough. Why? B/c all sorts of guys would be hitting on me. I went on to say, how do you know that doesn't already happen? It does!

It used to happen more often than it does now, but then again I am a little older and I have just learned to ignore creepy men now.


So today I went to Costco for lunch and I was standing in the registration line for my renewal/card. So the guy behind me starts chatting me up trying to impress me with "I just left the studio" and we are talking about parties (he's there to stock up for a party) and booze (which is my main reason for going there 98% of the time) and I could totally feel it. I have no interest whatsoever, but it still feels nice you know?

So there! You see I get hit on all the time.

It's Not a Quarter Life Crisis...

I think it's more of a quarter - life turn. A lot of things have been buzzing around my head lately with my upcoming birthday. I will be the big 2-5 on Wednesday. I've been having my own internal pressures of "what am I doing in my life?" along with LJ and my mom.

So here the deal... a lot of things have to change for me to be ultimately happy. Work wise, I think it's getting stagnant. Better, I am getting stagnant. A lot of people who do my job actually stay here forever. That's not for me. I think I want to stay doing the same thing I do just not in the same industry. There are certain aspects of my job that I truly enjoy like the personal interactions, the numbers and even a little bit of the stress. I am not happy unless I am really busy. At the same time I question the fact if that is a true statement or if it's just something I have lead myself to believe b/c of the way I live my life. I have accepted the fact that I am always busy not necessarily that I always like being so busy.

The other thing that has been looming over my head is this whole college thing. Anyone who doesn't know my family directly doesn't know that: a) I am one of 2 people on both sides of the family that speak English (the other being my brother), b) I am the only one that actually finished high school (in the states or abroad), or c) I am the only one who has even attempted college. Not to say that I am a total slacker and that I went one semester and dropped. I think I am on that 10 year now changing into a 12 year program. I started when I was 16 and have been going part time ever since. On and off. I have been off for almost 2 years now. You don't even realize that you get off track for so long. Life gets in the way with having to support yourself sometimes your education gets put on the backburner. So for the summer I am not going to school ( I did that and hated every second of it) but I am going to take a fun class like dance or calligraphy just to get the mental juices flowing and being back on a set schedule. In the fall I will take one "real" class just to get me warmed up for whatever I decide to do for the spring.

Ideally, there would be a way for me to have a job that would work around my school schedule that didn't pay minimum wage. I think that's the hardest thing to come to terms with. Most people go back to school b/c they need a better education to get more money. I've cut my expenses so low that I could probably live off of a student salary. Do I want to? No. I already make decent money doing what I do. Getting a degree would make no difference.

There are good things coming within the next couple of months that are fun and exciting, but I have a habit of posting the things that are making my head first vs. the things that give me butterflies. Next post. I promise.

So happy Birthday to me on Wednesday. 25 here I come!

But He's A Mac Guy!

For those of you who haven't read me too long might not be aware that I am a Mac Girl. No not the cosmetics, too thick for my skin. Anyway, after having a long weekend of partying (another post) Saturday night I came back to my house with a party going on at 1 am.

My roommate KC was there with a bunch of her friends all of them still drunk from the days activities. Considering I hadn't drank I didn't find most of their antics funny. I figured if I tried to go to bed I would be unsuccessful at actually getting any sleep. Her friends were nice enough and KC kept on talking about some "really hot guy" that was supposed to be coming. said Hot Guy came and I was surprised he was actually hot. Sometimes KC's judgement is clouded by the booze. So HG and some of the other dudes started talking about UFC *and the burning question of who actually won the fights b/c none of them watched it" and I went to go pull my computer. Turns out HG is a Mac Guy. So HG came over and started looking at my computer thinking he has the same one... *No, honey. You don't.* and bowed to the greatness of my computer. KC went into her room wating for HG.

So fast-foward half an hour later we are still talking about all things Mac when my roommate comes back into the living room and Drags him away from me.That was the end of that. The following morning I talk to KC turns out she slept with him but wasn't that into him. Damn! I don't care if you are into him, I just want you to see him again so I can exchanger Mac ID's with him! Seriously KC will you sleep with him again so I can get his contact info?

*On a side note shouldn't you know the last name of the guy you sleep with unless you want to end up like a sad country song?*

I'm not Jerry McGuire, I hope

I don't even know if I spelled the name right. I have been under a lot of stress lately with things that affect me directly. I am worried that I am gonna stay up one night and write a long book of gibberish and distribute it and walk out with the goldfish. Just sayin'.

I will be back when I can write a coherent sentance or a least pretty bullshit.

*Cheers!*

No Foolin'

I am in the office right now and I am hoping my work flow stays to the level its at now for the rest of the day. By 7:10 tonight I will be on the plane for Sin City. Just going for 2 days while the bf works I will be ordering room service. Hard life right?


Hope everyone has a great april fools!

Callucci I have failed you

When I was a kid I took karate*side chop* classes for 3 years. My parents instead of putting me in nice girly activities like say brownies or girl scout they put me in with a bunch of boys, including my brother. I wish I had pictures to show you guys.

My brother and I are 3 years apart, he being 3 years older than I, but as kids we were the same size. Especially in the 8-11 arena. We had knick-names in class mine was "watermelon head" his was "blind bat" *Hi Bro!*. Anyway we werent really that good but I made it as far as yellow belt and I think he made it to green.

The only reason this memory was brought up is because last night I took a cardio-kickboxing class last night with my friend V. She was all pumped up about it and she works out like 3-4 times a week (even though she has been slacking off with me lately, I have that effect on people) so she was stoked to see me go. Anywho... seriously... someone help me hear.... you know the dorky kid that is in aerobics class that you know that doesnt belong there? That was me. I sucked. They were going left.... I was going right.... they were kicking.... I was punching. It was so bad that one of the older ladies stopped and asked me if it was my first time and I'm thinking "Is it that apparrent?"

So Calluci (my karate teacher) sorry. I just suck at this. I am going back to yoga were even though I may be sweaty and gross at least i know the moves. Sorry to my high school step aerobics teacher too. Better luck next lifetime.

I am getting the last laugh!

So 2 major things have come to surface this week. One I can't discuss in too much detail but the person(s) involved dicked me around too much on so many levels and deserves whats coming to them. Cheers Bitches! *Can you smell the animosity?*

The second one slighlty more detail. So you know sometimes there are people you should not become involved with yet somehow you talk yourself into thinking its a good idea? I had one of those. I can't even call him a bf. Things didn't end as I would have wanted but what can you do? I still have contact with this person just because of the nature of what I have going on in life and even if I don't have to speak to this person directly we still have a lot of people in common. Anyway I found out they were seeing someone new and they asked me if x or y had told me. I didnt know anything about it until it came out of their mouth. This was all confirmed by photos floating around and the only thing I could think in my head "Geez, you got older and fat since the last time I saw you. And that girl with you isn't that cute and to top it off she's old! Glad I didn't keep wasting my 20 something's time." *Barf*

Anyway seeing what turned out just put me in such a good mood. In both cases.

Let Debbie-Downer Die!

I was just reading my last posts and wow I sound depressed. So things may not be super awesome right now but lets share some of the good things right now shall we?

1. I am finally done moving. I still have stuff to unpack but it's nice to have gotten rid of so much stuff that I was just carrying around with me.
2. I found my new crack: McDonalds Iced Coffee. Turns out McD's is competing with Starbucks now and they have a better quality bean.
3. Reading: Eat Pray Love.
4. Will get out of work early on St. Patty's. Even though you can't really do much on a Monday night.
5. Got paid today!
6. My desk at work will be clean by the end of the day so I will have an easy Monday!
7. LJ and I are having our first "Lazy Saturday" in months b/c we both work so much.
8. When I come home tonight my house will be clean and my laundry will be done.
9. My new roommate will be gone next weekend for Easter so I will have the house to myelf.
10. Last but not least.... I am going to kick myself to start going to the gym more. Seriously... I have an NBA team that plays in the courts right in front of ellipticals. *Drool*

Decisions

Seem's like only yesterday LJ and I started dating. We are less than 60 days away from our year anniversary. Whowouldathunkit? I know most of you guys have been with your guys forever so a year doesn't seem like that long but you know to everyone its different.

A not very known fact around here is that I have been engaged twice. The first time was a giant mistake and it was just a band-aid to cover up a huge problem. I was young and dumb. The second go 'round seem like the right thing to do but I knew in my hearts of hearts that he wasn't the one for me.

LJ and I have been talking about long-term plans for a while now. Last night he told me something that was totally unexpected.

"If I was basing this decision only on emotions you and I would be married already."

Yay! In the same discussion he also brought up something that he knows will affect me greatly. LJ is an entrepreneur. I am a 9-5 girl that likes very little things to change and I love stability. LJ is very seat of his pants in everything he does while I am methodical borderlining OCD. I like to have control of everything. Funny thing is had you asked me 4 years ago I was a totally different person. His concern is he knows me very well and he knows that I have worked very hard to get to where I am at and he wants to make sure that I can handle emotionally the ups and downs that come with his business. Odd question? Not really. He knows I get anxiety relatively easy and he knows on the downtimes of his business he will already be kicking himself and he just wants to know that I wont be kicking him while he is down *i.e.: telling him to get a 9-5*.

Seriously, what the hell can I say to that? I love him, I will support him 10, 20 or 50 years down the road. Besides, its not like I don't bring enough home to support both of us and then some. Or does he expect me to say now that I don't think I can handle what MAY happen in 10 years and miss out on a great relationship based on something that MAY happen? One of the reasons I love him is the fact that he is ambitious. Hell he just got a business off the ground this year, we don't know the full results yet but still it take a lot to get it going.

Thoughts anyone?

Dumpster Diving?

So I know I have been a bad blogger. Even if it seems I am not around. I am here all the time. Normally just trying to catch up on my reader. I haven't even been a good commenter. Apologies to all.

Anyway on to the original subject. So from my last post most of you should have seen I have moved. The move was semi-planned but not really. I've known I was going to move for the last 2 months, I just didnt do much about it. I did throw away a lot of things and some things I couldn't get rid of till the last minute from guilt.

When my Ex and I broke up I had already moved into the aparment I just vacated. That move was even less planned b/c we only had six days to get the hell out of there. That's another story for another day. Anyway a lot of things got moved into my garage that I never looked at that were his. I knew they were down there. In the few months of friendship that we had after the break up I urged him to pick it all up. Even till recently I would send him text messages and I even called his dad to let him know that I have his stuff in my garage. My Ex was very passive-aggressive to say the least. So why am I making such a big deal about his stuff? Why didn't I just throw it out? Why didn't I Ebay it? B/c I have a heart. I was bugging him to come pick up all his family albums and pictures of when his son was born. *Yeah, who knew I was a psuedo-stepmom for 2 1/2 years*. I just couldn't imagine what I would feel if someone threw out something so important. He had 12 months to come and get it, yet he never did. So all this stuff that ended up being at least 3 boxes that actually moved ended up in my new garage.

I just coudn't take it anymore. We still have a lot of unresolved financial issues that I am still paying for that I can't even take advantage of that I am still angry about because he has now completely dissapeared. So all his stuff got thrown in the trash. Sadly, instead of feeling better it I actually feel worse. I don't really think it has to do with him but more with his son. His son and I were very close b/c the mom for a long time was very away and unstable. Then she went on to have another child and he was more or less ignored. He will never get to see all those pictures.

Congratulations asshat you just took some more of your kids dysfunctional childhood. If you would like to see your pics again go to the local dumpster they will be there. Fucker. I'll see you in court.

Moving Day

So today is day 1 of my big move. I know I should be excited about this move but in fact I am hating it. I am waiting for my dad to come over and I haven't done much of anything.

I should be exciting about having 2 days off., yet I'm not.

Moving sucks. My mood sucks.

Ketchup 3 - February Edition

I am here. I have just been slammed with work. So here are tidbits of whats been going on for the last couple of weeks. I am still trying to catch up with my reader.

1. Valentine's Day didnt suck this year. Had some amazing food and thoughtful gifts. That didn't get paid out of my checking account.
2. Have tickets to see Blake Shelton tonight and no one to go with. And I actually paid for these tickets!
3. Painted my new room at my new house.
4. Got new shiny furniture for my new room.
5. Falling in love with a hobbie again.
6. Excited about this move thing.
7. Panic Attacks down.
8. Things still in the shitter with the fam. Trying to help them though.
9. Paying for a gym membership that I haven't been going to.
10. Things are going surprisingly well with LJ and I.
11. LJ's grandma and aunt sent me V-day presents! How cute is that!
12. I am sending back the thank you cards today within a reasonable amount of time.

I swear I will craft a real post soon. Anyone want to add a line of their own?

May the Spirit be with me

For anyone who's not Roman Catholic today is Ash Wednesday. For Lent we are supposed to give up something we like. Okay, so I am not a really great Catholic but at least I am trying. Anyway, I finally figured out what I am giving up. All sugary drinks. I don't drink Coke or Diet Coke or any other type of dark soda but if there is a Fanta or a Crush around I am all over it. Since I don't drink a lot of soda in general you would think this wouldnt be much of an issue. Except I love lemonade. I could have lemonade all day. So day one 1 and I went to whole food and and bought Metro Mint Lemon Water and gah... not good. I think its also b/c I am not much of a mint lover. I am trying to find new alternatives on what to drink that doesnt have sugar and I won't drink anything with fake sugar thanks to this book.

Any ideas on what I should be drinking? Oh, I am already stocking up on Republic of Tea drinks. Yum!


P.S. I swear I have some real posts coming up. Like the music swap... I didnt forget about you Sparkel.

Bathroom Revelations

Dear whoever uses the big stall before me.

Dude, double check to make sure there are no left-overs. It's okay to double flush. That's nasty!

love,

the girl who wants a clean throne.


Dear Girls Talking in the bathroom,

Thanks for stoping your conversation when I walked in. Hopefully it wasn't about me.


Love,
your co-worker


Dear People who walk in when there is someone in one of the stalls,


You never know who is in the stalls or if they are the person that is about to get fired that doesn't know it yet.

Love,
Fortunately not that person

Meet The Parents, Part Dos

I have a habit of calling everyone and their mom when I am driving home from work during the week. Mostly b/c this is the only time I have to sit and not be disturbed by anything else. That and if I sit still too long without any kind of movement I get real sleepy. Especially when it's warm. Does that happen to anyone else?

Since I call everyone and their mom... I called LJ's mom. Turns out I had not lost the the scarf she gave me for X-Mas but I had left it at her house. So we were catching up and she was telling me that her son never calls her just to chat. Of course not. LJ hates to talk on the phone. Hell I am the only person he really even talks to on the phone. I have my own special ringtone on his crackberry *whole 'nother post*,

I think I pointed it out in my last post about meeting the parents that LJ hadn't met my parents and that LJ's mom knew said fact. So when I was talking to her last Friday she asked me if we had finally done that. Fortunately this was a phone conversation vs. say a video conferance or worse an in person. I'm sure she would have liked to have seen the deer in the headlights look that crossed my face at that moment. So I came up with the best thing I could say "As a matter of fact my mom and I were discussing what should be made for dinner when LJ and I come over this weekend."

Not exactly a lie but my mom was kind of like, "do we really have to do it this weekend?" I won't bore you with all the details but here goes: The dinner started later than expected & we stayed there till almost 1 in the morning. My dad and my bf were doing tequila shots and I had a margarita (or 2?) My bf and parents found common ground in making fun of me. Or my lack of domestication. My bf went as far as asking my mom why she never taught me how to cook. My mom fired back " what are you talking about? I still try to teach her how to cook! she just doesn't listen!" Yes LJ that is the life you are looking forward to - undomesticated bliss.

The nice thing (well at least for me) is that since they don't speak the same language so at least I can translate selectively. All in all I think it was a good meet and greet. 

Long Day

My stress levels have been up for the last 24-48 hours and I haven't been dealing too well. It started with a clusterfuck of a mess at work that was partially my fault. The other belonging to another party, but finally we ended up throwing someone else under the bus. Which I feel really horrible about because it's not in my nature to do that in my personal life so why do it in my professional? It was just a matter of logistics and the party that did get thrown down their kind of deserved it and with everything involved we would be on the losing end of it. Anyway not trying to justify it. It happened. I feel like hell about. The fortunate part of it is that it ended up clearing up today *even though it's not even necessary now* but at least now we wont be under a time crunch. Oh and I got chewed out by one of my superiors in front of 3 peers. Fun. This was the biggest fuck up I have ever had in this job.

On top of that with my stress levels up it ups all my other emotions. LJ was trying to be supportive and I just snapped at him. On top of that I just hung up on him. I felt bad. It wasn't his fault I just let everything get to me. He normally stays at his place and works late but seeing how upset I was he came right over even after I begged him to stay home and that I would be fine.  I guess thats what a guy does when he really cares about you.  I've been meaning to go see the psychiatrist. Hell I even called last week to make an appointment. They gave me paperwork to fill out before I even show up. I am just using it now as an excuse not to go. Procrastination. My first name. My  middle name. My last name.  Help.

I do have some fun stuff coming up on the horizon. If I could just get out of this funk and stop crying at sad country songs and happy country songs. Damn.

No More Brokeback Mountain?

I just read that Heath Ledger is dead!OMG! Sucks! Just sharing the news.

WTF?

Catching up with the 21st Century

For any of you that have a sitemeter tracker thing and I read your blogs that I visit ALL THE TIME. It's not that I am a stalker or anything - it's just that until today I didn't have an RSS reader. So yeah, your site stats are gonna go down. FYI.

Love,

not really a stalker.

P.S. Will post a real post later.

You actually noticed?

Last night I felt icky from just having a long day and not having any sleep the previous night that I decide to take a shower. I normally shower in the morning to help wake me up and I don't like being cold at night. The only other times I shower in the evenings are when I visit the gym.

The thing about taking a shower at night is that I have no idea what my hair is going to look like in the morning. For work I normally put it in a slicked back ponytail and a little boufant or side swipe thing. It's not very exciting but it gets the job done. I guess I do this so much that people figure I must have questionable hair. The thing is I don't. I have great hair. I normally damn most of the genes that made me but I love the hair I have. Its thick (so thick that I have to have it sheared), it's bouncy and its shiney. My mom has fine curly hair and my dad has thick straw straight hair. So I ended up with big wavy hair. If I put in the effort most women put into their hair I would have pantene hair (super shiney pretty) everyday. I just don't care enough to make that effort on a weekday for work. By me a nice dinner and take me out for the evening and I will do it. ;)

So since I woke up kind of late this morning I decide against my usual slicked back 'do and decided to go for the free flowing hair. A little bit of Rusk Anti-Frizz and a little bit of Biosilk (yes I know its the devil but I like the smell) and I was good to go. Mind you I didn't style or even bother to brush my hair to go to work today. When I walk in the first thing my boss says "wow, your hair looks nice. very natural." This coming from a guy who won't notice a fly on his nose. Sometimes I can't take a compliment and all I said was " I didn't brush my hair this morning, but I did use product!"

So I am feeling pretty good about my hair today just b/c I remember I was watching Miss America-Reality Check ( brain fluff I know) and they made a comment about one of the contestants that didn't feel comfortable in her own skin after they made a comment to her about being so pretty with the natural curl in her hair and how they don't like the fact that she is representing this attitude in a beauty pagent.

So I love me and my natural hair. And my styled hair. And the genes that made my hair what it is today. Maybe one day I will post a picture of me with my hair down to my butt (from when I was a kid or from high school).

*Pantene Hair Swoosh*