Meet the Parents

Even though I am not over every illness that I have contracted within the last week or so, I figured I should write this post while it was still not past the expiration date on the carton.

So last Saturday night/ Sunday morning at 1 am the bf and I head to bed. The following conversation ensues:

BF:I wonder how much tickets to the Idaho are?

Me: An arm and a leg.

BF: Go grab your laptop and lets check it out.

Me: You are on crack.


Me: They are too expensive.

BF: I guess they are. But if we could go what days would you want to go?
Me: Leave Sunday come back late christmas day.

* I fall asleep*

3:30 AM:

BF: I got tickets!
BF: We have to be at LAX by 7:20 AM.

Because this trip was not planned and you know you don't need planning when you go from Sunny Southern California to just south of the Canadian border. The first thing was "OMG its Cold." I didnt know what to expect up there. BF hadn't told anyone in his family that we were coming up so when we got to his parents house his mom almost dropped the phone she was talking on, his grandma cried and his aunt tried to rile him up by saying "You know it means something when you bring a girl home to meet your family for the holidays."

The next couple of days were filled with lots of family lots of homemade food and lots of drinking. BF's mom was like "you know we normally don't drink every night of the week here, it just happens to be working out that way." BF's dad has his own classic rock band and the last night we were there they set up in the shop and rocked out for us. BF's mom and I agreed that BF's dad was like a little kid at a school recital running around shaking his hands saying "look at me mom! Look at me!"

Since no one knew BF was coming much less me, I could tell that we got some slapped together last minute gifts. It's cool though. I can't blame them, I did get something cool from his mom. She gave me a bar of lotion from Coldwater Creek. His grandma gave me silver earrings and both of them gave me scarves.

Just for the record... his mom made best prime rib... EVER! Also I was running fevers the whole time. I just got a fever blister last night. I also got the stomach flu last night. That was not fun. I've been lightheaded for a couple of days. All this stemmed from the trip.

Before we left his parents asked "So you guys will be up for 4th of July right?"


For the love of shoes!

I love shoes... I'm surprised I haven't done more posts about my love of my feet dressings. Anyway, I just saw something horribe. A pair of my shoes... called horrible on What Not to Wear!

I have a real post to write too but I don't have the brain power currently. Will come back this weekend and do it. 



Christmas? What Christmas?

So I am not a big fan of Christmas. Haven't been for the last 6 or so years. Why? Did Santa not come one year? Did I gain 10 lbs. from one christmas? Was I the last one to the chocolate box and found that only the (nasty) fruit ones were left? Not so much.

The first year I moved out of my parents house everyone ditched me for Christmas and Thanksgiving. Everyone meaning all of my friends, my family and my then boyfriend. Since then I am normally a grouch about the whole holiday season. Last year was the first year I spent thanksgiving with the family and I think it was still pretty disasterous in the sense of uncomfortable silences and people leaving early because they just couldnt take looking at each others faces anymore.

This year with the family stuff going on my dad is out of town, my brother is not around and well my mom... I will at least be spending part of it with her but even I am not sure how that is going to turn out. The rest of the time will be spent with the boyfriend.

Very few people got christmas gifts from me this year. I have been spending way too much money in general. I got an awesome gift for the bf and I got something for my client. I am still working on my parents and something for one of the girls from work (also now a good friend). I am dreading the whole shopping thing still. The malls are zoos here. Fuck. I don't want to go.

Can we really just pretend Christmas never happened? And never will again?


Final Prayers

So as much as I am trying to be upbeat today, today really sucks. Found out last night that my grandma is on her deathbed. My dad flew down this morning and will be there through Christmas. The prognosis isn't good. They already went to go find the priest to say the final prayers and at this point there is nothing we can really do. I don't even have a passport to fly down there. When my granddad passes I will fly down. The guy I work for asked me how I was doing and I said in a really flat voice that my grandma is dying. I don't even think he heard me.

Oh well, shit happens. *Where's my drink?*

Good in the World

It's nice to see real life people getting good stuff happening to them, for example - Stephanie. OR at least overhearing about it at Dawn's. *crooked smile* Hope everyone has something awesome happen to them today.



So I am not sure if it is b/c the stresses I have had lately on the daily bases or of its just an ongoing thing that I have been avoiding dealing with because well, I can. Yesterday I read this post on Dooce and it got me thinking.
I've been previously medicated on at least one of the following medication: xanex, celexa, lexapro, klonopin for long periods of time. When I fell off of them it was not by choice. I just couldn't afford them anymore when I quit my job, lost my insurance, broke up with my boyfriend and was unemployed while renting an apartment that I couldn't afford by myself.
I originally ended up in therapy and on meds b/c I had anxiety about driving. I refused to drive for 3 months. In July 2002 I got in a pretty bad car accident and ended up in the hospital for a week. They ended up feeding me steroids b/c they couldn't figure out if I had gotten seizures or if I was having PTSD. They had all the psych interns come and check on me everyday. They did the steroids as a preventative measure. Preventative measure ended up costing me 100 lbs. in 10 months. When I told my doctor "I am gaining 10 lbs in a month, what should I do?" her response was "Quit eating so much Carl's Jr." I've lost some of the weight since but I am nowhere near what I once was. The first year I could blame the weight gain and that I was trying to get it off. 5 1/2 years later it should be gone. I am just fat now.
Anyway, since that whole thing blew through and I got back on the horse I have been doing pretty okay. I haven't had any major catastrophes that have thrown me into a tailspin. Okay maybe I have but I haven't let myself hit rock bottom again. That's why I am seeing my therapist, b/c I could feel it coming on. If I had been medicated for the last say 2-3 years would I be doing a lot better? In some ways I am ashamed at the fact that I know I need meds yet I haven't gotten help again. I know what it feels like not to be walking on egg shells. Not let some little thing that you know is not that big of a deal be so overwhelming that you end up not doing it because of all the ridiculous anxiety you have built up around it beyond the usually anxiety you get with something new. I want that again. I have spoken about it to my therapist about going to the psychiatrist to get meds. She says its my choice she is not going to make me. I think I am finally gonna do it. I think I will feel better about the whole thing. Or at least I hope.

Another one bites the dust

One of the girls in my office just got engaged. Yay for her! I am happy that everyone is trying to get to their happily ever after but at the same time its like "great, another person that I will hardly see and will have baby on the brain next".

I know I shouldn't sound so negative and I am truly happy for her, it's just strange. I have been off-kilter in my mood lately.


So I've been away for a few days from writing and I actually wrote down my ideas so I don't forget. During Thanksgiving (another post I didn't get around to writing) the BF's friend BV had this girl he met on myspace come out. LV. Nice girl. A little young. Young being my age. He will be 30 in March besides the point. I guess they have been in a cyber relationship for a couple of months so it's cool that she came out.
LV came back out this last week and more information got spilled. Turns out that she is leaving the middle of nowhere town to come out here to Southern California. She wants to move right in with him. His friends talked him out of it. She will be renting a one-bedroom apartment which is way higher than market (and really out of her price range) for the area b/c he picked it for her so she could be conveniently located to him. She has friends out here that live about 10 miles from where he lives. Wouldn't it make more sense to live closer to your friends than the guy that you just met especially when you rent is so high? Along with that she has a good job out where she is from but since licensing laws are different out here she has to take a crap job that only pays $38K a year until she can get that straightened out. Southern California living isn't cheap people. I mean we are no New York but still you pay for every sunny day. So I am just doing the math for her and she is gonna end up screwed. She will be living with him within 6 months.
I being a numbers person focus on the money first. Let's move on. So when I saw her over the weekend we had a chance to chat and a couple of red flags went up. She calls BV her best friend. Seriously? Who does that? While making puppy eyes? Secondly, since they have been "dating", they have text message fights. High school anyone? Thirdly and most importantly the BF went over to BV's for football on Sunday and guess what she was doing? READING A WEDDING MAGAZINE? WTF?
I guess you would have to understand BV to see why this is all so crazy. She is a really sweet girl and I would hate to see her get hurt. The guys think she has an ulterior motive. I just think she is naive and doesn't know what she is getting herself into. In the meantime since I like the girl and unfortuntely I can't tell her about what kind of financial clusterfuck she is getting herself into and her relationship is not anything I am gonna meddle in either I tolder LV that is she needs help shopping and settling in to let me know and I would be happy to show her around.]
Lets hope it all works out for everyone to live happily ever after.



"There comes a day that you won't put up with cheap wine, cheap furniture
or a cheap gym, has that day come?"

This is what the front of the folder says to the gym I just joined. By doing this I am facing 2 things in my life that I normally shy away from: a) the fact that I am over-weight and b) that feeling I get that I am not good enough to go to the hoity-toity gym.

So why am I putting myself in a place like this? What I learned from Dawn is that you can't run with the turkeys if you want to fly with the eagles. In my business status is everything. Also, said gym is where a lot of people hang out in the business. Not that I really want to meet work people while I am sweating up a storm or gasping for air (depending on the work-out). I still have a little bit of anxiety from coming from a place where I could barely afford to go to a gym to now going to the nicest gym in the area code. I wonder.. can people spot someone who was/is poorer than the rest of them? Like a poordar?

When I went to tour the gym everyone in their seem to be like a size 2. On a fat day. Fortunately this gym has a women's area. Which I think is a good idea but at the same time women are a lot snarkier than men when it comes to appearances. I am the gym people so I can quit being so fat so back off people.

I think the worse part of this whole thing is that I am being so judgemental about myself. I just need to get over it. Wish me luck.

P.S. I am still down the 14 lbs I lost within the last 2 months.


Tear drops on my phone

I wish my teardrops were for something easy like a high school boy crush like for Taylor Swift. Unfortunately, I am an adult *barely, kicking and screaming* and mine have to do with my family. My family has put up a pretty good facade for the last 30 something years and it seems within the last 2-3 its ready to crack and crumble.

My mom and I had a long talk last week *I couldn't even talk about it till now* rehashing some of the past issues deeply connected to me. I found out information that had I been told at the time it was going on it would have made me feel better about the whole situation. To the point where I wouldn't have placed so much blame on everyone involved. There are issues that I know time can't heal. My mom says that I need to get over them so I can move on and not carry so much anger with me. I wish it was that easy. I started seeing a therapist a little over year ago that was spawned from current events in my life. Since my current life is pretty well situated (well as much as it can be) now we have started working back. It's rough. I don't even want to talk about it. Yet I will. Only because I don't want to be angry forever. We both ended up crying over the phone. I am the only child she can talk to.

I wish my family was more open with their problems. They are afraid of what other people will think. If they only knew that they weren't the only one's out there dealing with these issues. That they could get help either from outside organizations or just from family friends. I have a feeling that in later years I will no longer be associated with them. I will lose my last name when I get married and never look back. I can be motivated by a lot of things but no matter what I am losing I think that I will still come out better for not keeping some of the things involved.

P.S. Never tell your kids that they weren't the best kids that they could get. Because a) you have to look at the gene pool they came from and b) b/c they are still more successful than you are by a longshot. Well at least I am. I can't speak for the rest.


I don't get to see a lot of my friends in person so I talked to a lot of them in the IM. My friend AS is rarely ever on and when he is on it is because he is at work. You can tell how hard he works for his money right? Anyway, turns out he is getting married. Yay! I am honestly very happy for him I am glad he found someone that he wants to spend the rest of his life with. The funny thing about IM because you don't have to look anyone in the eye or hear inflections in someone voice (or cracks for that matter) people get a little braver in what they say.

So after telling me that he is getting married he confessed his long time crush for me ever since french toast. *smile* AS and I have been friends for so long that I didn't figure that he really liked me. Especially after calling me his "bratty little sister" for so long. I asked him why he never said anything about it especially b/c at one point I had one on him. He said b/c I intimidated him. Me? Intimidate? he said b/c I have always been very driven it was something that he knew he couldnt keep up with.

Being called driven is one the nicest things that someone can say to me. Just b/c yes I do bust my arse off all day to bring home the proverbial bacon. So when someone can recognize that about me especially when they understand it is outside of my professional life it just means that much more. So then he turned it around me why I never told him. Because I never thought he took me seriously. Come on call me your "bratty little sister" that doesn't sound too sexy to me. Then he went on about how he took me too seriously thats why he could never get the courage to make a move.

Technically he did make a move at one point when for a short time span we were both single. I just didnt follow up on it. I thought it was him just being nice. I am just oblivious sometimes. What can I say?

He said I am going to become a song one day *AS is a musician*. I asked him if it was about the crazy times we had... he said no, I am that girl that he wonders what could have been.


Why she feeds me

Last night after having a long day of running around starting with a 7:30 am Chiro appoint and ending me not getting home till 11 pm I was exhausted. My neighborr D is always the friendly face that greets me whenever I am getting my mail. Over time we have become pretty good friends. We have both had some hardships and have helped each other out. Last night i told her I was starving and she gave me spagetti (awesome!).

So I get a call from D today wondering what time I get home. Turns out that her BFF needs a place to store her stuff for a couple of days and my garage came up first! So its not really a big deal except for the fact that parking is crazy horrible where I live. The closer to the beach you are worse it gets. So now I know why she feeds me at 11pm when i get home. For my garage. It's okay... I want cookies next.

Speaking of fattening food. I think its that time of year again to join the gym. My last gym membership was a big ol' cluster mess so I am going to have to rejoin. Great. I am looking at 3 different prospect. One of them our vendor goes to for business contacts. Which is an idea but I don't think i can talk figures while I am sweating. The other is a fu-fu gym but at least all the yahoo's are not there and the 3rd gym is the one I used to go to just a different location of it. The one I would be going to is in the middle of a lot of office buildings but I have a feeling it will be packed all the time. Decisions.


Why I don't sleep

Today started unusually early for both of us. The BF is just sick and tired of having to battle traffic every morning from my house to his house everyday and I had a meeting at 8:30 so we woke up in the 6 o'clock hour this morning. Well at least he did and I stayed in bed, but it was useless. I am so used to having him in bed with me that I basically tossed and turned for another half hour before I gave up and got out of bed.

We have both admitted that we can't sleep without each other anymore. To the point no matter how tired either one of us is that we drag ourselves to each others houses to sleep in the same bed. Yep, we don't even live together. We do grocery shopping and costco runs together but we don't live together. With his business taking off I know there will be more than a couple of nights a year that he will be gone and I will probably have insomnia. Great.

So for his X-mas gift I am thinking of getting the Stiletto 2 any thoughts anyone?



In a bit of a better mood. Work hasn't gotten much better honestly but on the homefront at least I am less stressed out.

I put my apartment up for sub-lease / just take it over but all the people that have been interested have been really flakey. I know my apartment is more expensive than the rest in the area. Why? Because it is a lot nicer. Nice cost money. And no I am not making a cent on it. I am just transferring what the management company is charging me. I figure if all else fails I will just wait it out till my lease is up considering I am done in less than 3 months. Then again it would be nice to be in a new place before the new year. Oh well we will see what happens.

I did some major shopping for myself yesterday. Bought 5 pairs of shoes. I wore a pair of them to work today. I actually feel pretty in them. The outfit I am wearing is a little.... whats the word... not as nice, but at least I feel good with the shoes on. Oh and I also bought a pair of jeans, trousers and a cute plum shirt.

I really should be shopping for Christmas stuff. Or for my nephew's birthday present. My mom told me not to buy him anything cheap. Well Ma, as you know I am not in a position to buy anything fancy for him. I will buy him whatever I please. I don't need instruction. Or did you forget I am the best gift-buyer in the family?

Christmas has me all in an antsy. I dread the malls. I am still early enough to buy everything online though. Which I just may especially with everyone offering free shipping. I still hate christmas. I will have to do a seperate post about why.

The only thing I have going right now that isn't causing me any heartache is that the bf and I are still doing really well. I don't want to make it sound like a surprise that it is. I just know how I work and the fact that he hasn't ran screaming for the hills is a good sign. I have been a bit up and down lately emotionally lately *I'm still blaming the PMS* but he has totally been there all the way for me. *smile* I tell him (or I should) sometimes that I wish I had met him earlier in life so I could have saved some time and started my happily ever after a lot sooner.