Seriously... My brain could explode

With how many things I have going on.

I'll start off with that I am happier now than I have been in a long time. I am no longer working for the big place that I was working for for almost 7 years. The company has changed alot since when I started to what it is now. On top of that just the commuting, people and general economy made me a miserable hot mess. I am freelancing on my own for now working on 2 big projects and picking up odd jobs where I can to make ends meet. LJ is being supportive and is telling me if I want to make a career change right now is the the time to do it.

On the plus side of being home more often, my flowerbeds have never looked better and I will be home in a couple of hours to bake some cupcakes for a cupcake decorating party I am throwing. Everytime I have a bright idea I think how could I make a job out of that?


I love make up = makeup artist = starving artist = no
I love to bake= baker = fatter = no
I love the internet = internet stalker? = social networking?= web design = possibly
I love throwing parties = event planner = possibly.
I love to shop = personal shopper = amassing credit card debt = no


I am getting way more into my domesticated side although I am still not cooking. I am also planning on using this little break from work to start eating healthier and taking care of myself. I have some doctor appointments lined up for the next few weeks starting today. It's not that I don't like doctors its just that I didnt like taking time off of work to do them. Now that I am on my own schedule I can do them in the middle of the day no problem.

My mental health has definately improved since this change. I am def optimistic at this point.

I wish I could say that....

• Life is wonderful.
• I have achieved everything I have wanted to do in the time fram needed.
• All my family is doing well.
• That I was happy.
• I don't have a Sorority Life addiction.
• everything is in order.
• I know what I want to do for the rest of my life.

I don't. I can't. I will come back when I have happier things to say.

Where the paycheck comes from

I wish I could talk about work more openly it would probably make for a more interesting blog. Here are a few of the highlights:

1. My work is one of the places that has been splashed all over the news with lay-offs.
2. I survived a lay-off back in Thanksgiving which I am thankful for.
3. I got transferred to a new location that is not necessarily a lot farther but because of location it can take me 2 1/2 hours to get home from work sometimes. (38 miles in LA?)
4. It takes me about an 1 1/2 to get to work right now.
5. I can't afford to have lunch out everyday anymore b/c of the change in my personal economy and location of new offices. (I am not going to spend $20 dollars on a sandwhich)
6. I have doubled my gas bill but I still can justify taking public transportation because its a joke. Even with the company picking up half of the tab I can't let myself get carsick every day on a train.
7. I've been with the company 5 years and this is my 4th relocation. Everyone always asks me why I don't move with my work my response is why? I am probably going to get moved again so might as well stay close to friends and family.
8. I actually have to put on make up on every day and real work clothes most days now.
9. My soul selling has so far gotten me a tank of gas and utility bill paid. I have some change for lunch too.
10. Being so much on the road not only causes wear and tear on you car but on your brain too. In some cases more on the brain than on the car.
11. The most exciting thing last week was that they repaved the ugliest street with the worst potholes that I use as an exit.

In Review... Looking Forward...

I can't say anything spectacular happened in 2008. I've had a couple less than stellar moments involving work and my family. These things were out of my control and I just tried dealing with them as best as I could.

This next year I am expecting to see a couple of changes in life for the good. You could call them goals but these are already works in progress.

1. Keep losing weight. So far so good. Need to start hitting the whole thing harder.
2. Hoping to get engaged this year. LJ's business is doing well so it seems more likely to happen now. We've already talked about it. Yes, he knows about my imaginary wedding. He is planning the imaginary honeymoon. Now can we get to the REAL ring?
3. Figure out what I am going to do workwise. I don't want to get put in a position that I am not comfortable with.
4. Still need to figure out what to do school wise. I am getting transferred with work so I think that is going to make it even harder b/c of the location.
5. Need to get a real budget and stick to it. Money will be getting tighter next year. The economy is affecting me too ya'll.
6. I already work with a charity organization, plus my world vision kids but I want to start something else.
7. Start paring down my stuff. I have too much stuff. Or at least organize it better. Ebay anyone?

My therapist isn't on vacation....

but I am totally feeling mental today. I see her tomorrow but I am deep into my emotions today. I don't know if its all the booze I've consumed for the last couple of days or if its the fact that Aunt FLO is due to visit, I am just not feeling right.

There's a lot of things that have been floating around lately that I haven't talked about. One of them being my mental health is running amok again and I don't want to deal with it. I take that back. I don't want to be medicated. I know that it would be the best thing for me and it would solve a lot of my other issues that I have going on, its still just scary you know?

I keep asking why can't we fast forward life for a couple of months to just to through the rough spots. I know why. Because thats how we miss the good that would have came with the rough and worse thats how you just fast forward to another rough patch - we can never tell what's really gonna happen.

One of the few things I have going for me is that at least I know I am loved.  I am grateful for that. 

Dumpster Diving?

So I know I have been a bad blogger. Even if it seems I am not around. I am here all the time. Normally just trying to catch up on my reader. I haven't even been a good commenter. Apologies to all.

Anyway on to the original subject. So from my last post most of you should have seen I have moved. The move was semi-planned but not really. I've known I was going to move for the last 2 months, I just didnt do much about it. I did throw away a lot of things and some things I couldn't get rid of till the last minute from guilt.

When my Ex and I broke up I had already moved into the aparment I just vacated. That move was even less planned b/c we only had six days to get the hell out of there. That's another story for another day. Anyway a lot of things got moved into my garage that I never looked at that were his. I knew they were down there. In the few months of friendship that we had after the break up I urged him to pick it all up. Even till recently I would send him text messages and I even called his dad to let him know that I have his stuff in my garage. My Ex was very passive-aggressive to say the least. So why am I making such a big deal about his stuff? Why didn't I just throw it out? Why didn't I Ebay it? B/c I have a heart. I was bugging him to come pick up all his family albums and pictures of when his son was born. *Yeah, who knew I was a psuedo-stepmom for 2 1/2 years*. I just couldn't imagine what I would feel if someone threw out something so important. He had 12 months to come and get it, yet he never did. So all this stuff that ended up being at least 3 boxes that actually moved ended up in my new garage.

I just coudn't take it anymore. We still have a lot of unresolved financial issues that I am still paying for that I can't even take advantage of that I am still angry about because he has now completely dissapeared. So all his stuff got thrown in the trash. Sadly, instead of feeling better it I actually feel worse. I don't really think it has to do with him but more with his son. His son and I were very close b/c the mom for a long time was very away and unstable. Then she went on to have another child and he was more or less ignored. He will never get to see all those pictures.

Congratulations asshat you just took some more of your kids dysfunctional childhood. If you would like to see your pics again go to the local dumpster they will be there. Fucker. I'll see you in court.

Moving Day

So today is day 1 of my big move. I know I should be excited about this move but in fact I am hating it. I am waiting for my dad to come over and I haven't done much of anything.

I should be exciting about having 2 days off., yet I'm not.

Moving sucks. My mood sucks.

Long Day

My stress levels have been up for the last 24-48 hours and I haven't been dealing too well. It started with a clusterfuck of a mess at work that was partially my fault. The other belonging to another party, but finally we ended up throwing someone else under the bus. Which I feel really horrible about because it's not in my nature to do that in my personal life so why do it in my professional? It was just a matter of logistics and the party that did get thrown down their kind of deserved it and with everything involved we would be on the losing end of it. Anyway not trying to justify it. It happened. I feel like hell about. The fortunate part of it is that it ended up clearing up today *even though it's not even necessary now* but at least now we wont be under a time crunch. Oh and I got chewed out by one of my superiors in front of 3 peers. Fun. This was the biggest fuck up I have ever had in this job.

On top of that with my stress levels up it ups all my other emotions. LJ was trying to be supportive and I just snapped at him. On top of that I just hung up on him. I felt bad. It wasn't his fault I just let everything get to me. He normally stays at his place and works late but seeing how upset I was he came right over even after I begged him to stay home and that I would be fine.  I guess thats what a guy does when he really cares about you.  I've been meaning to go see the psychiatrist. Hell I even called last week to make an appointment. They gave me paperwork to fill out before I even show up. I am just using it now as an excuse not to go. Procrastination. My first name. My  middle name. My last name.  Help.

I do have some fun stuff coming up on the horizon. If I could just get out of this funk and stop crying at sad country songs and happy country songs. Damn.

Medicated

So I am not sure if it is b/c the stresses I have had lately on the daily bases or of its just an ongoing thing that I have been avoiding dealing with because well, I can. Yesterday I read this post on Dooce and it got me thinking.

I've been previously medicated on at least one of the following medication: xanex, celexa, lexapro, klonopin for long periods of time. When I fell off of them it was not by choice. I just couldn't afford them anymore when I quit my job, lost my insurance, broke up with my boyfriend and was unemployed while renting an apartment that I couldn't afford by myself.

I originally ended up in therapy and on meds b/c I had anxiety about driving. I refused to drive for 3 months. In July 2002 I got in a pretty bad car accident and ended up in the hospital for a week. They ended up feeding me steroids b/c they couldn't figure out if I had gotten seizures or if I was having PTSD. They had all the psych interns come and check on me everyday. They did the steroids as a preventative measure. Preventative measure ended up costing me 100 lbs. in 10 months. When I told my doctor "I am gaining 10 lbs in a month, what should I do?" her response was "Quit eating so much Carl's Jr." I've lost some of the weight since but I am nowhere near what I once was. The first year I could blame the weight gain and that I was trying to get it off. 5 1/2 years later it should be gone. I am just fat now.

Anyway, since that whole thing blew through and I got back on the horse I have been doing pretty okay. I haven't had any major catastrophes that have thrown me into a tailspin. Okay maybe I have but I haven't let myself hit rock bottom again. That's why I am seeing my therapist, b/c I could feel it coming on. If I had been medicated for the last say 2-3 years would I be doing a lot better? In some ways I am ashamed at the fact that I know I need meds yet I haven't gotten help again. I know what it feels like not to be walking on egg shells. Not let some little thing that you know is not that big of a deal be so overwhelming that you end up not doing it because of all the ridiculous anxiety you have built up around it beyond the usually anxiety you get with something new. I want that again. I have spoken about it to my therapist about going to the psychiatrist to get meds. She says its my choice she is not going to make me. I think I am finally gonna do it. I think I will feel better about the whole thing. Or at least I hope.