Dillusional

So I've been away for a few days from writing and I actually wrote down my ideas so I don't forget. During Thanksgiving (another post I didn't get around to writing) the BF's friend BV had this girl he met on myspace come out. LV. Nice girl. A little young. Young being my age. He will be 30 in March besides the point. I guess they have been in a cyber relationship for a couple of months so it's cool that she came out.

LV came back out this last week and more information got spilled. Turns out that she is leaving the middle of nowhere town to come out here to Southern California. She wants to move right in with him. His friends talked him out of it. She will be renting a one-bedroom apartment which is way higher than market (and really out of her price range) for the area b/c he picked it for her so she could be conveniently located to him. She has friends out here that live about 10 miles from where he lives. Wouldn't it make more sense to live closer to your friends than the guy that you just met especially when you rent is so high? Along with that she has a good job out where she is from but since licensing laws are different out here she has to take a crap job that only pays $38K a year until she can get that straightened out. Southern California living isn't cheap people. I mean we are no New York but still you pay for every sunny day. So I am just doing the math for her and she is gonna end up screwed. She will be living with him within 6 months.

I being a numbers person focus on the money first. Let's move on. So when I saw her over the weekend we had a chance to chat and a couple of red flags went up. She calls BV her best friend. Seriously? Who does that? While making puppy eyes? Secondly, since they have been "dating", they have text message fights. High school anyone? Thirdly and most importantly the BF went over to BV's for football on Sunday and guess what she was doing? READING A WEDDING MAGAZINE? WTF?

I guess you would have to understand BV to see why this is all so crazy. She is a really sweet girl and I would hate to see her get hurt. The guys think she has an ulterior motive. I just think she is naive and doesn't know what she is getting herself into. In the meantime since I like the girl and unfortuntely I can't tell her about what kind of financial clusterfuck she is getting herself into and her relationship is not anything I am gonna meddle in either I tolder LV that is she needs help shopping and settling in to let me know and I would be happy to show her around.]

Lets hope it all works out for everyone to live happily ever after.

Hoity-Toity

"There comes a day that you won't put up with cheap wine, cheap furniture
or a cheap gym, has that day come?"

This is what the front of the folder says to the gym I just joined. By doing this I am facing 2 things in my life that I normally shy away from: a) the fact that I am over-weight and b) that feeling I get that I am not good enough to go to the hoity-toity gym.

So why am I putting myself in a place like this? What I learned from Dawn is that you can't run with the turkeys if you want to fly with the eagles. In my business status is everything. Also, said gym is where a lot of people hang out in the business. Not that I really want to meet work people while I am sweating up a storm or gasping for air (depending on the work-out). I still have a little bit of anxiety from coming from a place where I could barely afford to go to a gym to now going to the nicest gym in the area code. I wonder.. can people spot someone who was/is poorer than the rest of them? Like a poordar?

When I went to tour the gym everyone in their seem to be like a size 2. On a fat day. Fortunately this gym has a women's area. Which I think is a good idea but at the same time women are a lot snarkier than men when it comes to appearances. I am the gym people so I can quit being so fat so back off people.

I think the worse part of this whole thing is that I am being so judgemental about myself. I just need to get over it. Wish me luck.

P.S. I am still down the 14 lbs I lost within the last 2 months.

Tear drops on my phone

I wish my teardrops were for something easy like a high school boy crush like for Taylor Swift. Unfortunately, I am an adult *barely, kicking and screaming* and mine have to do with my family. My family has put up a pretty good facade for the last 30 something years and it seems within the last 2-3 its ready to crack and crumble.

My mom and I had a long talk last week *I couldn't even talk about it till now* rehashing some of the past issues deeply connected to me. I found out information that had I been told at the time it was going on it would have made me feel better about the whole situation. To the point where I wouldn't have placed so much blame on everyone involved. There are issues that I know time can't heal. My mom says that I need to get over them so I can move on and not carry so much anger with me. I wish it was that easy. I started seeing a therapist a little over year ago that was spawned from current events in my life. Since my current life is pretty well situated (well as much as it can be) now we have started working back. It's rough. I don't even want to talk about it. Yet I will. Only because I don't want to be angry forever. We both ended up crying over the phone. I am the only child she can talk to.

I wish my family was more open with their problems. They are afraid of what other people will think. If they only knew that they weren't the only one's out there dealing with these issues. That they could get help either from outside organizations or just from family friends. I have a feeling that in later years I will no longer be associated with them. I will lose my last name when I get married and never look back. I can be motivated by a lot of things but no matter what I am losing I think that I will still come out better for not keeping some of the things involved.

P.S. Never tell your kids that they weren't the best kids that they could get. Because a) you have to look at the gene pool they came from and b) b/c they are still more successful than you are by a longshot. Well at least I am. I can't speak for the rest.

*smile*

I don't get to see a lot of my friends in person so I talked to a lot of them in the IM. My friend AS is rarely ever on and when he is on it is because he is at work. You can tell how hard he works for his money right? Anyway, turns out he is getting married. Yay! I am honestly very happy for him I am glad he found someone that he wants to spend the rest of his life with. The funny thing about IM because you don't have to look anyone in the eye or hear inflections in someone voice (or cracks for that matter) people get a little braver in what they say.



So after telling me that he is getting married he confessed his long time crush for me ever since french toast. *smile* AS and I have been friends for so long that I didn't figure that he really liked me. Especially after calling me his "bratty little sister" for so long. I asked him why he never said anything about it especially b/c at one point I had one on him. He said b/c I intimidated him. Me? Intimidate? he said b/c I have always been very driven it was something that he knew he couldnt keep up with.



Being called driven is one the nicest things that someone can say to me. Just b/c yes I do bust my arse off all day to bring home the proverbial bacon. So when someone can recognize that about me especially when they understand it is outside of my professional life it just means that much more. So then he turned it around me why I never told him. Because I never thought he took me seriously. Come on call me your "bratty little sister" that doesn't sound too sexy to me. Then he went on about how he took me too seriously thats why he could never get the courage to make a move.



Technically he did make a move at one point when for a short time span we were both single. I just didnt follow up on it. I thought it was him just being nice. I am just oblivious sometimes. What can I say?



He said I am going to become a song one day *AS is a musician*. I asked him if it was about the crazy times we had... he said no, I am that girl that he wonders what could have been.

Why she feeds me

Last night after having a long day of running around starting with a 7:30 am Chiro appoint and ending me not getting home till 11 pm I was exhausted. My neighborr D is always the friendly face that greets me whenever I am getting my mail. Over time we have become pretty good friends. We have both had some hardships and have helped each other out. Last night i told her I was starving and she gave me spagetti (awesome!).

So I get a call from D today wondering what time I get home. Turns out that her BFF needs a place to store her stuff for a couple of days and my garage came up first! So its not really a big deal except for the fact that parking is crazy horrible where I live. The closer to the beach you are worse it gets. So now I know why she feeds me at 11pm when i get home. For my garage. It's okay... I want cookies next.

Speaking of fattening food. I think its that time of year again to join the gym. My last gym membership was a big ol' cluster mess so I am going to have to rejoin. Great. I am looking at 3 different prospect. One of them our vendor goes to for business contacts. Which is an idea but I don't think i can talk figures while I am sweating. The other is a fu-fu gym but at least all the yahoo's are not there and the 3rd gym is the one I used to go to just a different location of it. The one I would be going to is in the middle of a lot of office buildings but I have a feeling it will be packed all the time. Decisions.

Why I don't sleep

Today started unusually early for both of us. The BF is just sick and tired of having to battle traffic every morning from my house to his house everyday and I had a meeting at 8:30 so we woke up in the 6 o'clock hour this morning. Well at least he did and I stayed in bed, but it was useless. I am so used to having him in bed with me that I basically tossed and turned for another half hour before I gave up and got out of bed.

We have both admitted that we can't sleep without each other anymore. To the point no matter how tired either one of us is that we drag ourselves to each others houses to sleep in the same bed. Yep, we don't even live together. We do grocery shopping and costco runs together but we don't live together. With his business taking off I know there will be more than a couple of nights a year that he will be gone and I will probably have insomnia. Great.

So for his X-mas gift I am thinking of getting the Stiletto 2 any thoughts anyone?

Finally...

In a bit of a better mood. Work hasn't gotten much better honestly but on the homefront at least I am less stressed out.



I put my apartment up for sub-lease / just take it over but all the people that have been interested have been really flakey. I know my apartment is more expensive than the rest in the area. Why? Because it is a lot nicer. Nice cost money. And no I am not making a cent on it. I am just transferring what the management company is charging me. I figure if all else fails I will just wait it out till my lease is up considering I am done in less than 3 months. Then again it would be nice to be in a new place before the new year. Oh well we will see what happens.



I did some major shopping for myself yesterday. Bought 5 pairs of shoes. I wore a pair of them to work today. I actually feel pretty in them. The outfit I am wearing is a little.... whats the word... not as nice, but at least I feel good with the shoes on. Oh and I also bought a pair of jeans, trousers and a cute plum shirt.



I really should be shopping for Christmas stuff. Or for my nephew's birthday present. My mom told me not to buy him anything cheap. Well Ma, as you know I am not in a position to buy anything fancy for him. I will buy him whatever I please. I don't need instruction. Or did you forget I am the best gift-buyer in the family?



Christmas has me all in an antsy. I dread the malls. I am still early enough to buy everything online though. Which I just may especially with everyone offering free shipping. I still hate christmas. I will have to do a seperate post about why.



The only thing I have going right now that isn't causing me any heartache is that the bf and I are still doing really well. I don't want to make it sound like a surprise that it is. I just know how I work and the fact that he hasn't ran screaming for the hills is a good sign. I have been a bit up and down lately emotionally lately *I'm still blaming the PMS* but he has totally been there all the way for me. *smile* I tell him (or I should) sometimes that I wish I had met him earlier in life so I could have saved some time and started my happily ever after a lot sooner.

*Gah*

When one part of your life is going really well then the other one starts going to hell. In general and in the big picture it's not so horrible but while you are going through it you just hope for it to be done as soon as possible.

Work has been going pretty well. I have been in this position for over a year now and I have been with this company for over 4. I understand that this type of industry has its ups and downs. On top of that I also know that personal interferences can effect it as well. But what do you do when both come together outside of your control and wreak havoc on you?

You toughen up and keep a stiff upper lip.

P.S. I hate Christmas.

Thankful

We did thanksgiving at the bf's house this year. It turned out reasonably well. While we were doing dinner we did a go around of what we were thankful for this year. Some of the guys couldn't take it seriously but the girls at least did. It was nice not doing it with family.

I reflected on what's happen in the last year and the changes that I am thankful for. I went from being almost unemployed to getting a promotion, getting out of a relationship that was not in my best interest and finding someone I am more compatible with.

I am looking forward to having a new set of things to be thanful for next year. :)

Everyone's Doing It

Seeems everyone and their mom is involved in National Blogging Month. I can' barely keep up with a day in a month versus every day. Anyway, I've noticed that everyone has been telling stories of their past. This is one that came up in conversation recently that I didn't finish b/c it felt really weird telling it to the person I was telling it to.

I had a high school sweetheart that I was seeing from the end of my Junior year to my Senior year in high school. It ended becuase I ended it. Nice guy. Not the guy for me. He love me. I didnt love him. The funny thing is that even though I am the one that did it I was still miserable about the whole thing.

And you know misery loves company. I had already started college when I was in high school during my junior year. I was pretty bored with the high school scene and it was nice to hang out with people more at my level. So 2-3 nights a week I was at the college. I had made a few friends and made friends with friends. I had a friend Kristen in one of my photography classes my first year. The following year she introduced me to her friend Todd. At the time that Todd and I met we were both in serious relationships *well as serious at we could be for that time in our lives*. Then both of our relationships ended at the same time.

For the next couple of months we hung out all the time. I'm talking till 2-3 in the morning talking about nothing and watching movies that I would have never watched on my own. He is probably the reason I can watch independent and foreign films without falling asleep or that I don't only watch crap movies all the time. We never actually spoke of our relationships except to acknowledge their ending. We would go out to dinner hang out at his house or my house. At the time we still both lived with our parents. He went to my high school gradutation. My parents thought it was a little strange that a 23 year old guy was hanging out with a17/18 year old girl. I actually don't think they realized how old he was I think it was just the fact that he was in college and still hanging out with a high schooler. They still really like him, which is a hard thing to say especially about my mom. It was just comfortable.

We never had any kind of romantic relationship, but at one point I actually wondered if it could be possible. I even posed it to him which was a bold move for me. It just seemed like a natural progression considering that guys and girls can never be just friends. I never actually found him physically attractive even though now in retrospect he actually was good looking in a way. Anyway, the day I posed this proposition is the day our friendship went to hell in a handbasket. At the time I didn't understand what I had done wrong. Even now I don't think I did anything wrong I think it was just a matter of timing and the fact that we were really just friends. He just thought it was strange because we had been platonic friends for so long. When all this happened I had barely moved and he came over with a housewarming present. A book. A cook book. I am sure he would be glad to know that I still don't cook but I still have the book sitting in my kitchen. That was the last time we really hung out. I think this was about the time we both realized we had to move on from this little abyss we had created and start meeting new people if we ever wanted to have a shot of a real relationship vs. hanging out comfortably with somone you have no real romantic interest in.

I knew the little bit of... what would you call it... not romantic interest, but .... compatibility was there. Just not us together. Shortly there after he started dating another half mexican/white girl who was a little chubby and a little young. Since we couldn't work out I guess he went to the next thing that was as closest he could find. To this day I still wonder what ever happened to him. His parents live maybe 10 minutes from me and I pass by their house everytime I go to the drug store to pick up my meds. Every once in a while I think of actually stopping in and say hi because his parents were so sweet to me. I hope he doesn't still live there. I mean, he would almost be 30 and still living at home. I would assume he is probably doing well I think he finished his degree in English Lit which doesn't surprise me too much considering that he was kind of a nerd that way.

So if you are out there and you recognize this story about you.... I wish we had stayed friends. Platonic friends. Every time I hear Counting Crows I think of you.

Ketchup 2

So I haven't really had anything relavent to say in the last couple of weeks so here it the catch-up.

1. Have hit 6 months with the BF. *Cheers!*
2. When you are so not used to normalacy when you get it, it scares you.
3. I am still dreading Christmas.
4. I am still not sleeping.... but at least I have better reasons behind it.
5. I haven't been shopping lately.... something must be wrong.
6. Pondering joining a gym again.
7. I can fake it really well to the point people comment on it. If they only knew it was a big fat lie.
8. Sometimes the things that you think can destroy you actually really do make you stronger.
9. Communication is key. No matter with who. Sometimes the most important communication is with yourself.
10. Third time is a charm *so I hope.*
11. School. 'nuff said.
12. I have been skipping out on Church. I have no excuse this week. I am going.
13. Note to Parents: Make a fuckin' effort. It's not my fault you are miserable in your own pathetic lives. Don't go raining on my parade. I already have a plan. Don't make me execute it.

Other bits:

1. I have another blog out in cyberspace that I am thinking of incoroprating to this one.... I haven't decided if it would be my brightest idea yet.
2. Has anyone else heard of Cringe? I think I have some good material for it.
3. I can't log into my twitter account because I am a retard.
4. I bought my first domain name this month. I haven't decided what to do with it yet. The cool thing is that I got free e-mail support with it for up to 200 accounts.
5. Cookies?
6. Living by yourself has a lot of perks but it's not all its cracked up to be. At least I don't sleep alone.
7. Happily ever after. Someday. :)

She doesn't talk much....

My bf's uncle is a very nice guy but now I think he must be smoking something if he really believes I don't talk much. 98% of my bf's family is out in the middle of nowhere so I have yet to meet them. His uncle is the only one that comes out from the abyss to SoCal so he is the only one that has ever met me. The bf and I have talked about going up there for Christmas but it doesn't seem like that will be the case. Considering it snows, we either were going to do the "white christmas" or now it seems like we will have to wait till the summer/spring to go out again.
Anyway his uncle was telling me how great it was up there and once I go up there I will fall in love with it; and that I will love the family. I told him I hope they like me. He said as long as you talk they will love you.
I do talk! You normally can't shut me up! Sometimes I think I talk just to hear myself talk. They want talk they will get talk. Normally when I see him we are doing some sort of activity and there is a lot of people involved. Sorry I don't always want to be the center of attention *shut up, I really don't*.
Since I saw the bf's uncle I passed him my card to give to the bf's mom so she can help me with the bf's christmas gift. Mind you I don't even know this lady and I am asking for her help. I already have his family's gift planned out. I know we barely had Halloween last week but it's already time to start doing the Christmas stuff. I am working on Christmas card lists for myself, for my clients and for my office. I remember last year I did everyone elses but mine. Here's to me actually getting Christmas done without a hitch! *snort*

Race!

So tomorrow I will be going to my first drag race. In September I went to my first drag boat race in San Diego. Before dating the current bf I had no idea that such things even existed! Last go 'round was an interesting experience. I was sick as a dog and I was dying and it was hot. Lets hope I don't have a repeat.

Week 3+

So... beside a couple of trips and falls into a vat of meat I think overall I am doing pretty well. Down 12.6 lbs. I think really my saving grace is that my bf has been helping me with the cooking and shopping. I still haven't gotten to the point of working out yet. My mom keeps telling me I need to go to the gym. I know Ma! Ya think I don't know?

The only thing I have learned is that if I do it at my own pace I have a greater chance of success. It's like telling someone of my sedentary lifestyle to go run a marathon on a sprint after the first mile I am going to get discouraged. So leave me alone.

I did some retail therapy today. On giftcards. Nothing better than shopping when it's not costing you a dime. I haven't been shopping as much lately just b/c I need to do a better job at watching my expenses before they get out of control. I will cut down on some of my luxiuries. Just not today, or tomorrow. Or next week for that matter. Another thing that I got for free was a 42" flat screen that I have no idea what to do with b/c I already own 2 other ones. Albeit that this ones is bigger than my other 2, but... egh.... I am not that impressed anymore.

Not my kind of neighborhood.

So I have only been in my apartment since march and while I do love my apartment I know in my hearts of hearts this isn't the place for me.
I love the city I live in even though it is 20 miles from my office. This is where I grew up. Not this side of town but this city. Since I have lived here my bf has gotten his car broken into, the neighborhood bar has been crashed into and there was murder/suicide about 6 houses down this weekend. Did I mention 2 of the 3 things I mentioned happen within the last 5 days? The kicker is I don't live on the crappy side of town. I live 4 blocks from the beach and I pay ridiculous rent for one person with no roommates. Love the granite and the newness of the apartment but I need to move up to a condo.

Week 1+

So back at it again.... trying to drop some pounds. This time I have a little more help since I am not relying soley on my cooking abilities b/c either I would starve or I would go back to eating out. I have been without fast food for almost 2 weeks and have had the bf cooking dinners for me. Honestly, I do feel alot better than I have felt in a while. Since I have started I have lost 6.5 lbs. Which makes me a little excited. Can't wait to drop some more. :)

In other news... we moved offices this past week. Not a big move just from one floor to another. More annoying than anything else. Nice to have some new faces in the office. Everything seems a little more spaced so we dont have people working on top of each other anymore.

I have been shopping like crazy for no apparrent reason. Well except for jackets. The thing about living in Southern California no one ever thinks its cold around here. What most people dont understand that cold is relative. If it is 58 degrees in Southern California we are cold. If it is 58 degrees in Idaho its time to bust out the shorts and flip flops. Its like a meat locker in my office today.

Diifficult

So last night I did one of the most difficult things I have had to do in my life. It was something discussed, mulled over and even thought about not doing it at all. But I knew if I wanted to have good karma and not hate myself in later years I had to do it. Especially if I didn't want anyone else to have to experience the same. At the end I felt relieved and better on the inside for so many reasons and totally glad I went through with it. Thank you God.

Babies and things...

I love babies! No, not because I want to have one anytime soon but I came to the realization over the weekend that I have not been in the presence of one for a long time. I went to my parents house for a bbq and one of their friends had a squirming bundle of joy with them. Then I realized all of my friends kids are about 3-4 years olds. Still in the cute stage but they don't smell like babies or taste like chicken anymore.

Then I realized I will have a squishy bundle of joy here in November when my best friend is due. I am planning the baby shower along with another co-host. *smile* Overspoiled child here I come!

Friends in Low Places.

Lately I have been having some conflicting thoughts on those I call friends. For example there are those that we call friends who have ulterior motives. Even when they are the shoulder you cry on sometimes they are just waiting for you to drop your guard so they can take advantage of your vulnerability. Then there are the other friends who actually mean no harm but they are succubus' by nature. Maybe it's time I start letting them drop.

A Little Excitement

So the last couple of weeks and the next couple of weeks are going to be full of some fun times. I am getting in touch with my inner-white trash (I'm not even white!). Anyway, yesterday the girls and I made our confirmations for Rodeo weekend out in *yeee haaa!* Parker, AZ. It doesn't sound like the most glamourous thing ever but it sure is a hella lotta fun. Mix up a couple of girls, cowboys and drinks on the side of the river and you know its gonna be a good time.

*Cheers!*