Meet the Parents

Even though I am not over every illness that I have contracted within the last week or so, I figured I should write this post while it was still not past the expiration date on the carton.



So last Saturday night/ Sunday morning at 1 am the bf and I head to bed. The following conversation ensues:



BF:I wonder how much tickets to the Idaho are?

Me: An arm and a leg.

BF: Go grab your laptop and lets check it out.

Me: You are on crack.

*checked*

Me: They are too expensive.

BF: I guess they are. But if we could go what days would you want to go?
Me: Leave Sunday come back late christmas day.

* I fall asleep*

3:30 AM:

BF: I got tickets!
ME: WTF?
BF: We have to be at LAX by 7:20 AM.
ME: WTF?

Because this trip was not planned and you know you don't need planning when you go from Sunny Southern California to just south of the Canadian border. The first thing was "OMG its Cold." I didnt know what to expect up there. BF hadn't told anyone in his family that we were coming up so when we got to his parents house his mom almost dropped the phone she was talking on, his grandma cried and his aunt tried to rile him up by saying "You know it means something when you bring a girl home to meet your family for the holidays."

The next couple of days were filled with lots of family lots of homemade food and lots of drinking. BF's mom was like "you know we normally don't drink every night of the week here, it just happens to be working out that way." BF's dad has his own classic rock band and the last night we were there they set up in the shop and rocked out for us. BF's mom and I agreed that BF's dad was like a little kid at a school recital running around shaking his hands saying "look at me mom! Look at me!"

Since no one knew BF was coming much less me, I could tell that we got some slapped together last minute gifts. It's cool though. I can't blame them, I did get something cool from his mom. She gave me a bar of lotion from Coldwater Creek. His grandma gave me silver earrings and both of them gave me scarves.

Just for the record... his mom made best prime rib... EVER! Also I was running fevers the whole time. I just got a fever blister last night. I also got the stomach flu last night. That was not fun. I've been lightheaded for a couple of days. All this stemmed from the trip.


Before we left his parents asked "So you guys will be up for 4th of July right?"

For the love of shoes!

I love shoes... I'm surprised I haven't done more posts about my love of my feet dressings. Anyway, I just saw something horribe. A pair of my shoes... called horrible on What Not to Wear!

I have a real post to write too but I don't have the brain power currently. Will come back this weekend and do it. 

Cheers!

Christmas? What Christmas?

So I am not a big fan of Christmas. Haven't been for the last 6 or so years. Why? Did Santa not come one year? Did I gain 10 lbs. from one christmas? Was I the last one to the chocolate box and found that only the (nasty) fruit ones were left? Not so much.

The first year I moved out of my parents house everyone ditched me for Christmas and Thanksgiving. Everyone meaning all of my friends, my family and my then boyfriend. Since then I am normally a grouch about the whole holiday season. Last year was the first year I spent thanksgiving with the family and I think it was still pretty disasterous in the sense of uncomfortable silences and people leaving early because they just couldnt take looking at each others faces anymore.

This year with the family stuff going on my dad is out of town, my brother is not around and well my mom... I will at least be spending part of it with her but even I am not sure how that is going to turn out. The rest of the time will be spent with the boyfriend.

Very few people got christmas gifts from me this year. I have been spending way too much money in general. I got an awesome gift for the bf and I got something for my client. I am still working on my parents and something for one of the girls from work (also now a good friend). I am dreading the whole shopping thing still. The malls are zoos here. Fuck. I don't want to go.

Can we really just pretend Christmas never happened? And never will again?

Final Prayers

So as much as I am trying to be upbeat today, today really sucks. Found out last night that my grandma is on her deathbed. My dad flew down this morning and will be there through Christmas. The prognosis isn't good. They already went to go find the priest to say the final prayers and at this point there is nothing we can really do. I don't even have a passport to fly down there. When my granddad passes I will fly down. The guy I work for asked me how I was doing and I said in a really flat voice that my grandma is dying. I don't even think he heard me.

Oh well, shit happens. *Where's my drink?*

Good in the World

It's nice to see real life people getting good stuff happening to them, for example - Stephanie. OR at least overhearing about it at Dawn's. *crooked smile* Hope everyone has something awesome happen to them today.

Medicated

So I am not sure if it is b/c the stresses I have had lately on the daily bases or of its just an ongoing thing that I have been avoiding dealing with because well, I can. Yesterday I read this post on Dooce and it got me thinking.

I've been previously medicated on at least one of the following medication: xanex, celexa, lexapro, klonopin for long periods of time. When I fell off of them it was not by choice. I just couldn't afford them anymore when I quit my job, lost my insurance, broke up with my boyfriend and was unemployed while renting an apartment that I couldn't afford by myself.

I originally ended up in therapy and on meds b/c I had anxiety about driving. I refused to drive for 3 months. In July 2002 I got in a pretty bad car accident and ended up in the hospital for a week. They ended up feeding me steroids b/c they couldn't figure out if I had gotten seizures or if I was having PTSD. They had all the psych interns come and check on me everyday. They did the steroids as a preventative measure. Preventative measure ended up costing me 100 lbs. in 10 months. When I told my doctor "I am gaining 10 lbs in a month, what should I do?" her response was "Quit eating so much Carl's Jr." I've lost some of the weight since but I am nowhere near what I once was. The first year I could blame the weight gain and that I was trying to get it off. 5 1/2 years later it should be gone. I am just fat now.

Anyway, since that whole thing blew through and I got back on the horse I have been doing pretty okay. I haven't had any major catastrophes that have thrown me into a tailspin. Okay maybe I have but I haven't let myself hit rock bottom again. That's why I am seeing my therapist, b/c I could feel it coming on. If I had been medicated for the last say 2-3 years would I be doing a lot better? In some ways I am ashamed at the fact that I know I need meds yet I haven't gotten help again. I know what it feels like not to be walking on egg shells. Not let some little thing that you know is not that big of a deal be so overwhelming that you end up not doing it because of all the ridiculous anxiety you have built up around it beyond the usually anxiety you get with something new. I want that again. I have spoken about it to my therapist about going to the psychiatrist to get meds. She says its my choice she is not going to make me. I think I am finally gonna do it. I think I will feel better about the whole thing. Or at least I hope.

Another one bites the dust

One of the girls in my office just got engaged. Yay for her! I am happy that everyone is trying to get to their happily ever after but at the same time its like "great, another person that I will hardly see and will have baby on the brain next".

I know I shouldn't sound so negative and I am truly happy for her, it's just strange. I have been off-kilter in my mood lately.

Dillusional

So I've been away for a few days from writing and I actually wrote down my ideas so I don't forget. During Thanksgiving (another post I didn't get around to writing) the BF's friend BV had this girl he met on myspace come out. LV. Nice girl. A little young. Young being my age. He will be 30 in March besides the point. I guess they have been in a cyber relationship for a couple of months so it's cool that she came out.

LV came back out this last week and more information got spilled. Turns out that she is leaving the middle of nowhere town to come out here to Southern California. She wants to move right in with him. His friends talked him out of it. She will be renting a one-bedroom apartment which is way higher than market (and really out of her price range) for the area b/c he picked it for her so she could be conveniently located to him. She has friends out here that live about 10 miles from where he lives. Wouldn't it make more sense to live closer to your friends than the guy that you just met especially when you rent is so high? Along with that she has a good job out where she is from but since licensing laws are different out here she has to take a crap job that only pays $38K a year until she can get that straightened out. Southern California living isn't cheap people. I mean we are no New York but still you pay for every sunny day. So I am just doing the math for her and she is gonna end up screwed. She will be living with him within 6 months.

I being a numbers person focus on the money first. Let's move on. So when I saw her over the weekend we had a chance to chat and a couple of red flags went up. She calls BV her best friend. Seriously? Who does that? While making puppy eyes? Secondly, since they have been "dating", they have text message fights. High school anyone? Thirdly and most importantly the BF went over to BV's for football on Sunday and guess what she was doing? READING A WEDDING MAGAZINE? WTF?

I guess you would have to understand BV to see why this is all so crazy. She is a really sweet girl and I would hate to see her get hurt. The guys think she has an ulterior motive. I just think she is naive and doesn't know what she is getting herself into. In the meantime since I like the girl and unfortuntely I can't tell her about what kind of financial clusterfuck she is getting herself into and her relationship is not anything I am gonna meddle in either I tolder LV that is she needs help shopping and settling in to let me know and I would be happy to show her around.]

Lets hope it all works out for everyone to live happily ever after.

Hoity-Toity

"There comes a day that you won't put up with cheap wine, cheap furniture
or a cheap gym, has that day come?"

This is what the front of the folder says to the gym I just joined. By doing this I am facing 2 things in my life that I normally shy away from: a) the fact that I am over-weight and b) that feeling I get that I am not good enough to go to the hoity-toity gym.

So why am I putting myself in a place like this? What I learned from Dawn is that you can't run with the turkeys if you want to fly with the eagles. In my business status is everything. Also, said gym is where a lot of people hang out in the business. Not that I really want to meet work people while I am sweating up a storm or gasping for air (depending on the work-out). I still have a little bit of anxiety from coming from a place where I could barely afford to go to a gym to now going to the nicest gym in the area code. I wonder.. can people spot someone who was/is poorer than the rest of them? Like a poordar?

When I went to tour the gym everyone in their seem to be like a size 2. On a fat day. Fortunately this gym has a women's area. Which I think is a good idea but at the same time women are a lot snarkier than men when it comes to appearances. I am the gym people so I can quit being so fat so back off people.

I think the worse part of this whole thing is that I am being so judgemental about myself. I just need to get over it. Wish me luck.

P.S. I am still down the 14 lbs I lost within the last 2 months.

Tear drops on my phone

I wish my teardrops were for something easy like a high school boy crush like for Taylor Swift. Unfortunately, I am an adult *barely, kicking and screaming* and mine have to do with my family. My family has put up a pretty good facade for the last 30 something years and it seems within the last 2-3 its ready to crack and crumble.

My mom and I had a long talk last week *I couldn't even talk about it till now* rehashing some of the past issues deeply connected to me. I found out information that had I been told at the time it was going on it would have made me feel better about the whole situation. To the point where I wouldn't have placed so much blame on everyone involved. There are issues that I know time can't heal. My mom says that I need to get over them so I can move on and not carry so much anger with me. I wish it was that easy. I started seeing a therapist a little over year ago that was spawned from current events in my life. Since my current life is pretty well situated (well as much as it can be) now we have started working back. It's rough. I don't even want to talk about it. Yet I will. Only because I don't want to be angry forever. We both ended up crying over the phone. I am the only child she can talk to.

I wish my family was more open with their problems. They are afraid of what other people will think. If they only knew that they weren't the only one's out there dealing with these issues. That they could get help either from outside organizations or just from family friends. I have a feeling that in later years I will no longer be associated with them. I will lose my last name when I get married and never look back. I can be motivated by a lot of things but no matter what I am losing I think that I will still come out better for not keeping some of the things involved.

P.S. Never tell your kids that they weren't the best kids that they could get. Because a) you have to look at the gene pool they came from and b) b/c they are still more successful than you are by a longshot. Well at least I am. I can't speak for the rest.

*smile*

I don't get to see a lot of my friends in person so I talked to a lot of them in the IM. My friend AS is rarely ever on and when he is on it is because he is at work. You can tell how hard he works for his money right? Anyway, turns out he is getting married. Yay! I am honestly very happy for him I am glad he found someone that he wants to spend the rest of his life with. The funny thing about IM because you don't have to look anyone in the eye or hear inflections in someone voice (or cracks for that matter) people get a little braver in what they say.



So after telling me that he is getting married he confessed his long time crush for me ever since french toast. *smile* AS and I have been friends for so long that I didn't figure that he really liked me. Especially after calling me his "bratty little sister" for so long. I asked him why he never said anything about it especially b/c at one point I had one on him. He said b/c I intimidated him. Me? Intimidate? he said b/c I have always been very driven it was something that he knew he couldnt keep up with.



Being called driven is one the nicest things that someone can say to me. Just b/c yes I do bust my arse off all day to bring home the proverbial bacon. So when someone can recognize that about me especially when they understand it is outside of my professional life it just means that much more. So then he turned it around me why I never told him. Because I never thought he took me seriously. Come on call me your "bratty little sister" that doesn't sound too sexy to me. Then he went on about how he took me too seriously thats why he could never get the courage to make a move.



Technically he did make a move at one point when for a short time span we were both single. I just didnt follow up on it. I thought it was him just being nice. I am just oblivious sometimes. What can I say?



He said I am going to become a song one day *AS is a musician*. I asked him if it was about the crazy times we had... he said no, I am that girl that he wonders what could have been.

Why she feeds me

Last night after having a long day of running around starting with a 7:30 am Chiro appoint and ending me not getting home till 11 pm I was exhausted. My neighborr D is always the friendly face that greets me whenever I am getting my mail. Over time we have become pretty good friends. We have both had some hardships and have helped each other out. Last night i told her I was starving and she gave me spagetti (awesome!).

So I get a call from D today wondering what time I get home. Turns out that her BFF needs a place to store her stuff for a couple of days and my garage came up first! So its not really a big deal except for the fact that parking is crazy horrible where I live. The closer to the beach you are worse it gets. So now I know why she feeds me at 11pm when i get home. For my garage. It's okay... I want cookies next.

Speaking of fattening food. I think its that time of year again to join the gym. My last gym membership was a big ol' cluster mess so I am going to have to rejoin. Great. I am looking at 3 different prospect. One of them our vendor goes to for business contacts. Which is an idea but I don't think i can talk figures while I am sweating. The other is a fu-fu gym but at least all the yahoo's are not there and the 3rd gym is the one I used to go to just a different location of it. The one I would be going to is in the middle of a lot of office buildings but I have a feeling it will be packed all the time. Decisions.

Why I don't sleep

Today started unusually early for both of us. The BF is just sick and tired of having to battle traffic every morning from my house to his house everyday and I had a meeting at 8:30 so we woke up in the 6 o'clock hour this morning. Well at least he did and I stayed in bed, but it was useless. I am so used to having him in bed with me that I basically tossed and turned for another half hour before I gave up and got out of bed.

We have both admitted that we can't sleep without each other anymore. To the point no matter how tired either one of us is that we drag ourselves to each others houses to sleep in the same bed. Yep, we don't even live together. We do grocery shopping and costco runs together but we don't live together. With his business taking off I know there will be more than a couple of nights a year that he will be gone and I will probably have insomnia. Great.

So for his X-mas gift I am thinking of getting the Stiletto 2 any thoughts anyone?

Finally...

In a bit of a better mood. Work hasn't gotten much better honestly but on the homefront at least I am less stressed out.



I put my apartment up for sub-lease / just take it over but all the people that have been interested have been really flakey. I know my apartment is more expensive than the rest in the area. Why? Because it is a lot nicer. Nice cost money. And no I am not making a cent on it. I am just transferring what the management company is charging me. I figure if all else fails I will just wait it out till my lease is up considering I am done in less than 3 months. Then again it would be nice to be in a new place before the new year. Oh well we will see what happens.



I did some major shopping for myself yesterday. Bought 5 pairs of shoes. I wore a pair of them to work today. I actually feel pretty in them. The outfit I am wearing is a little.... whats the word... not as nice, but at least I feel good with the shoes on. Oh and I also bought a pair of jeans, trousers and a cute plum shirt.



I really should be shopping for Christmas stuff. Or for my nephew's birthday present. My mom told me not to buy him anything cheap. Well Ma, as you know I am not in a position to buy anything fancy for him. I will buy him whatever I please. I don't need instruction. Or did you forget I am the best gift-buyer in the family?



Christmas has me all in an antsy. I dread the malls. I am still early enough to buy everything online though. Which I just may especially with everyone offering free shipping. I still hate christmas. I will have to do a seperate post about why.



The only thing I have going right now that isn't causing me any heartache is that the bf and I are still doing really well. I don't want to make it sound like a surprise that it is. I just know how I work and the fact that he hasn't ran screaming for the hills is a good sign. I have been a bit up and down lately emotionally lately *I'm still blaming the PMS* but he has totally been there all the way for me. *smile* I tell him (or I should) sometimes that I wish I had met him earlier in life so I could have saved some time and started my happily ever after a lot sooner.

*Gah*

When one part of your life is going really well then the other one starts going to hell. In general and in the big picture it's not so horrible but while you are going through it you just hope for it to be done as soon as possible.

Work has been going pretty well. I have been in this position for over a year now and I have been with this company for over 4. I understand that this type of industry has its ups and downs. On top of that I also know that personal interferences can effect it as well. But what do you do when both come together outside of your control and wreak havoc on you?

You toughen up and keep a stiff upper lip.

P.S. I hate Christmas.

Thankful

We did thanksgiving at the bf's house this year. It turned out reasonably well. While we were doing dinner we did a go around of what we were thankful for this year. Some of the guys couldn't take it seriously but the girls at least did. It was nice not doing it with family.

I reflected on what's happen in the last year and the changes that I am thankful for. I went from being almost unemployed to getting a promotion, getting out of a relationship that was not in my best interest and finding someone I am more compatible with.

I am looking forward to having a new set of things to be thanful for next year. :)

Everyone's Doing It

Seeems everyone and their mom is involved in National Blogging Month. I can' barely keep up with a day in a month versus every day. Anyway, I've noticed that everyone has been telling stories of their past. This is one that came up in conversation recently that I didn't finish b/c it felt really weird telling it to the person I was telling it to.

I had a high school sweetheart that I was seeing from the end of my Junior year to my Senior year in high school. It ended becuase I ended it. Nice guy. Not the guy for me. He love me. I didnt love him. The funny thing is that even though I am the one that did it I was still miserable about the whole thing.

And you know misery loves company. I had already started college when I was in high school during my junior year. I was pretty bored with the high school scene and it was nice to hang out with people more at my level. So 2-3 nights a week I was at the college. I had made a few friends and made friends with friends. I had a friend Kristen in one of my photography classes my first year. The following year she introduced me to her friend Todd. At the time that Todd and I met we were both in serious relationships *well as serious at we could be for that time in our lives*. Then both of our relationships ended at the same time.

For the next couple of months we hung out all the time. I'm talking till 2-3 in the morning talking about nothing and watching movies that I would have never watched on my own. He is probably the reason I can watch independent and foreign films without falling asleep or that I don't only watch crap movies all the time. We never actually spoke of our relationships except to acknowledge their ending. We would go out to dinner hang out at his house or my house. At the time we still both lived with our parents. He went to my high school gradutation. My parents thought it was a little strange that a 23 year old guy was hanging out with a17/18 year old girl. I actually don't think they realized how old he was I think it was just the fact that he was in college and still hanging out with a high schooler. They still really like him, which is a hard thing to say especially about my mom. It was just comfortable.

We never had any kind of romantic relationship, but at one point I actually wondered if it could be possible. I even posed it to him which was a bold move for me. It just seemed like a natural progression considering that guys and girls can never be just friends. I never actually found him physically attractive even though now in retrospect he actually was good looking in a way. Anyway, the day I posed this proposition is the day our friendship went to hell in a handbasket. At the time I didn't understand what I had done wrong. Even now I don't think I did anything wrong I think it was just a matter of timing and the fact that we were really just friends. He just thought it was strange because we had been platonic friends for so long. When all this happened I had barely moved and he came over with a housewarming present. A book. A cook book. I am sure he would be glad to know that I still don't cook but I still have the book sitting in my kitchen. That was the last time we really hung out. I think this was about the time we both realized we had to move on from this little abyss we had created and start meeting new people if we ever wanted to have a shot of a real relationship vs. hanging out comfortably with somone you have no real romantic interest in.

I knew the little bit of... what would you call it... not romantic interest, but .... compatibility was there. Just not us together. Shortly there after he started dating another half mexican/white girl who was a little chubby and a little young. Since we couldn't work out I guess he went to the next thing that was as closest he could find. To this day I still wonder what ever happened to him. His parents live maybe 10 minutes from me and I pass by their house everytime I go to the drug store to pick up my meds. Every once in a while I think of actually stopping in and say hi because his parents were so sweet to me. I hope he doesn't still live there. I mean, he would almost be 30 and still living at home. I would assume he is probably doing well I think he finished his degree in English Lit which doesn't surprise me too much considering that he was kind of a nerd that way.

So if you are out there and you recognize this story about you.... I wish we had stayed friends. Platonic friends. Every time I hear Counting Crows I think of you.

Ketchup 2

So I haven't really had anything relavent to say in the last couple of weeks so here it the catch-up.

1. Have hit 6 months with the BF. *Cheers!*
2. When you are so not used to normalacy when you get it, it scares you.
3. I am still dreading Christmas.
4. I am still not sleeping.... but at least I have better reasons behind it.
5. I haven't been shopping lately.... something must be wrong.
6. Pondering joining a gym again.
7. I can fake it really well to the point people comment on it. If they only knew it was a big fat lie.
8. Sometimes the things that you think can destroy you actually really do make you stronger.
9. Communication is key. No matter with who. Sometimes the most important communication is with yourself.
10. Third time is a charm *so I hope.*
11. School. 'nuff said.
12. I have been skipping out on Church. I have no excuse this week. I am going.
13. Note to Parents: Make a fuckin' effort. It's not my fault you are miserable in your own pathetic lives. Don't go raining on my parade. I already have a plan. Don't make me execute it.

Other bits:

1. I have another blog out in cyberspace that I am thinking of incoroprating to this one.... I haven't decided if it would be my brightest idea yet.
2. Has anyone else heard of Cringe? I think I have some good material for it.
3. I can't log into my twitter account because I am a retard.
4. I bought my first domain name this month. I haven't decided what to do with it yet. The cool thing is that I got free e-mail support with it for up to 200 accounts.
5. Cookies?
6. Living by yourself has a lot of perks but it's not all its cracked up to be. At least I don't sleep alone.
7. Happily ever after. Someday. :)

She doesn't talk much....

My bf's uncle is a very nice guy but now I think he must be smoking something if he really believes I don't talk much. 98% of my bf's family is out in the middle of nowhere so I have yet to meet them. His uncle is the only one that comes out from the abyss to SoCal so he is the only one that has ever met me. The bf and I have talked about going up there for Christmas but it doesn't seem like that will be the case. Considering it snows, we either were going to do the "white christmas" or now it seems like we will have to wait till the summer/spring to go out again.
Anyway his uncle was telling me how great it was up there and once I go up there I will fall in love with it; and that I will love the family. I told him I hope they like me. He said as long as you talk they will love you.
I do talk! You normally can't shut me up! Sometimes I think I talk just to hear myself talk. They want talk they will get talk. Normally when I see him we are doing some sort of activity and there is a lot of people involved. Sorry I don't always want to be the center of attention *shut up, I really don't*.
Since I saw the bf's uncle I passed him my card to give to the bf's mom so she can help me with the bf's christmas gift. Mind you I don't even know this lady and I am asking for her help. I already have his family's gift planned out. I know we barely had Halloween last week but it's already time to start doing the Christmas stuff. I am working on Christmas card lists for myself, for my clients and for my office. I remember last year I did everyone elses but mine. Here's to me actually getting Christmas done without a hitch! *snort*

Race!

So tomorrow I will be going to my first drag race. In September I went to my first drag boat race in San Diego. Before dating the current bf I had no idea that such things even existed! Last go 'round was an interesting experience. I was sick as a dog and I was dying and it was hot. Lets hope I don't have a repeat.

Week 3+

So... beside a couple of trips and falls into a vat of meat I think overall I am doing pretty well. Down 12.6 lbs. I think really my saving grace is that my bf has been helping me with the cooking and shopping. I still haven't gotten to the point of working out yet. My mom keeps telling me I need to go to the gym. I know Ma! Ya think I don't know?

The only thing I have learned is that if I do it at my own pace I have a greater chance of success. It's like telling someone of my sedentary lifestyle to go run a marathon on a sprint after the first mile I am going to get discouraged. So leave me alone.

I did some retail therapy today. On giftcards. Nothing better than shopping when it's not costing you a dime. I haven't been shopping as much lately just b/c I need to do a better job at watching my expenses before they get out of control. I will cut down on some of my luxiuries. Just not today, or tomorrow. Or next week for that matter. Another thing that I got for free was a 42" flat screen that I have no idea what to do with b/c I already own 2 other ones. Albeit that this ones is bigger than my other 2, but... egh.... I am not that impressed anymore.

Not my kind of neighborhood.

So I have only been in my apartment since march and while I do love my apartment I know in my hearts of hearts this isn't the place for me.
I love the city I live in even though it is 20 miles from my office. This is where I grew up. Not this side of town but this city. Since I have lived here my bf has gotten his car broken into, the neighborhood bar has been crashed into and there was murder/suicide about 6 houses down this weekend. Did I mention 2 of the 3 things I mentioned happen within the last 5 days? The kicker is I don't live on the crappy side of town. I live 4 blocks from the beach and I pay ridiculous rent for one person with no roommates. Love the granite and the newness of the apartment but I need to move up to a condo.

Week 1+

So back at it again.... trying to drop some pounds. This time I have a little more help since I am not relying soley on my cooking abilities b/c either I would starve or I would go back to eating out. I have been without fast food for almost 2 weeks and have had the bf cooking dinners for me. Honestly, I do feel alot better than I have felt in a while. Since I have started I have lost 6.5 lbs. Which makes me a little excited. Can't wait to drop some more. :)

In other news... we moved offices this past week. Not a big move just from one floor to another. More annoying than anything else. Nice to have some new faces in the office. Everything seems a little more spaced so we dont have people working on top of each other anymore.

I have been shopping like crazy for no apparrent reason. Well except for jackets. The thing about living in Southern California no one ever thinks its cold around here. What most people dont understand that cold is relative. If it is 58 degrees in Southern California we are cold. If it is 58 degrees in Idaho its time to bust out the shorts and flip flops. Its like a meat locker in my office today.

Diifficult

So last night I did one of the most difficult things I have had to do in my life. It was something discussed, mulled over and even thought about not doing it at all. But I knew if I wanted to have good karma and not hate myself in later years I had to do it. Especially if I didn't want anyone else to have to experience the same. At the end I felt relieved and better on the inside for so many reasons and totally glad I went through with it. Thank you God.

Babies and things...

I love babies! No, not because I want to have one anytime soon but I came to the realization over the weekend that I have not been in the presence of one for a long time. I went to my parents house for a bbq and one of their friends had a squirming bundle of joy with them. Then I realized all of my friends kids are about 3-4 years olds. Still in the cute stage but they don't smell like babies or taste like chicken anymore.

Then I realized I will have a squishy bundle of joy here in November when my best friend is due. I am planning the baby shower along with another co-host. *smile* Overspoiled child here I come!

Friends in Low Places.

Lately I have been having some conflicting thoughts on those I call friends. For example there are those that we call friends who have ulterior motives. Even when they are the shoulder you cry on sometimes they are just waiting for you to drop your guard so they can take advantage of your vulnerability. Then there are the other friends who actually mean no harm but they are succubus' by nature. Maybe it's time I start letting them drop.

A Little Excitement

So the last couple of weeks and the next couple of weeks are going to be full of some fun times. I am getting in touch with my inner-white trash (I'm not even white!). Anyway, yesterday the girls and I made our confirmations for Rodeo weekend out in *yeee haaa!* Parker, AZ. It doesn't sound like the most glamourous thing ever but it sure is a hella lotta fun. Mix up a couple of girls, cowboys and drinks on the side of the river and you know its gonna be a good time.

*Cheers!*

Ketchup

I just love ketchup... but here is the catch-up:

1. Chances are you won't lose weight if you inhaled 3 burgers in a week.
2. When things are going really well it scares me.
3. I am coming to the realization that I used to be very ahead of the game but now I think my age is starting to catch up with my accomplishments and I wonder if I being a slacker.
4. I don't like everyone.
5. I don't think everyone likes me.
6. For the money I make I still have no idea where it goes. That is really bad. I could probably support a small Ethiopian family on my wasting on food.
7. I am already starting to dread the holidays. Not for any particular reason or person.... just I don't do well around the holidays.
8. So many gadgets, so little time.
9. I miss having a dog.
10. I think I am still missing.

Will post again soon.

I'm not sure where I am going with this post, but....

Lets see how much I can say without completely outing myself. My bf was out of town for the last 8 days and this was our first time apart. He stayed through our anniversary, you remember those honeymoon days when 3 months was a big deal? I knew I would miss him and I figured eventually he would miss me but seriously I didn't think it would be to the level it was. He is Mr. I-am-a-tough-man and not always great with showing emotion he broke within 2-3 days. I guess being apart does make the heart grow fonder. When we saw each other last night it was like he had been away for months not just 8 days. We stayed up till 3 in the morning talking.

The other thing I found out was that his whole family knows about me now. I knew he had told his Mom a few months back and I figured that was the extent of it. On top of that his mom heard him say that he loves me on one of our phone calls and she called him out on it. I don't know what I expected him to do... but he told his mom that he loves me and she responded back that she is happy for him. Maybe its just me with my anxiety but now I am worried that she is just calculating something in the back of her mind. I need to get over it. I think it's just because of all the other bad experiences I have had with parents I freak myself out. Maybe she is genuinely happy for us. I guess we will find out as time passes. We talked about forever. Forever is a possibility. Forever with him doesn't scare me. I say this now in month 3, lets see how I feel in month 6.

It's funny...

When you hear someone lying through their teeth. I wonder if they realize that they are lying or if they really believe their own BS. I know the real truth. I knew it was bad since day one. Waiting for this bomb to explode. Here before, here after. que sera sera.

I *~HEART~* Drew Carey!

Since I couldnt sleep last night I stayed up and watched Leno and Letterman last night and caught my favorite pudgy funnyman Drew Carey on Letterman. I remember when he had The Drew Carey Show and I thought it was hilarious. There has been big talk of who will be replacing Bob Barker on The Price is Right. Guess who is gonna be the new Golden boy of the show..... *drum roll*.... Drew Carey!

Now If I could get my legs to stop twitching....

Before I go into what my title post let me go back to my last entry.

Last week I had an extrememly long day that included my regular job, a 2 hour mentoring meeting and working my second job for an emergancy stop. So I didn't end up getting home till about 11'ish and the bf still wanted to come over. So I got in bed to watch some TV and ended up falling asleep. The next thing I know I feel a tap. Turns out that he had been banging on my door and ringing my doorbell throwing rocks at my window along with the neighbor and they were worried about me b/c its not like me not to answer my door... so they ended up breaking into my house.

I am not gonna go into the logistics of how all that went down but it doesn't make me feel all that safe anymore. Fortunely, I am not home by myself too often and when I told my mom what happen I tried to tell her as if it was a joke and she wasn't to happy about it either. So what do you? I have deadbolts and everything I can but still. Have to start thinking of new security measures.

As for the header.... I went on drinking binge on Saturday night in Newport and I am still paying for it today. This will detour me for... oh... a couple of weeks.

Does A Man Live Here?

If not, why is there ESPN HD on the TV? No. Because I am a good girlfriend.

So I am finally done with 90% of my shopping. I got 2 flat screen TV's, the new Macbook Pro 17" Hi Res, a Cannon 10MP camera, another Ipod (don't want the iphone, yet) and a partridge in a pear tree. The one thing that makes me a little paranoid is the fact that I don't have a dog or anything to gaurd my house so I went and got renters insurance today. It actually turned out relatively inexpensive and it gives me piece of mind if ever get robbed. Well as much of a piece of mind as you can get at that point. It also safegaurds against my cooking.

I still have a couple more things I want to buy for my house but for now I think I have the most major stuff I wanted. It's nice to have a feeling of accomplishment and something to show for it.

Another Crack?

Pownce....

http://mashable.com/2007/06/28/pownce-2/

I dunno about the rest of you but I am willing to give it a go b/c I wasn't that impressed by twitter.

Baby's coming home!

I've been in a really foul mood for the past couple of days. Anyone who knows me knows that I can't live without electronics. My phone died a couple of days ago and I was so upset. I know some people can live without one but if you don't even have a phone at your house you are screwed. So I had to borrow everyones phone for the last couple of days to check my voicemail and return my phone calls. I even drove down to my parents house to use their phone. Like a hobo.

Anyway, I just called the phone store and they got my phone delivered. Yay! Baby, momma's coming to get you!

Unfinished questions

picked up at caterwauling:

1. I’ve come to realize that my last kiss was… a bit rushed. I wish we had a little more time to linger.
2. I am listening to… background jazz and me typing.
3. I talk… very fast.
4. I love… myself.
5. My best friends… are people I have known since I was a kid. We have seen each other grow and change into the fabulous people we are today.
6. My Car… gets me from point a to point b. It's nice but its not my "dream" car. I have more of a priority to buy a house than another new car.
7. My love life… for the time being is chugging along. At other times it's torn me down.
8. I hate it when people ask… too many responses. We will leave it at that.
9. I want to… be healthier.
10. Marriage is… something I will do once I meet the right person. I only want to do it once.
11. Somewhere, someone is thinking… I wonder whatever happen to that girl with the long hair?
12. I’m always… looking for the next shoe.
13. I have a secret crush on… someone that I know better than to have one on.
15. My cell phone… is broken. Waiting for my new one to be shipped. I feel so lost without hip to ear communication. Almost tempted to get the iPhone just b/c I am upgrading my computer as well. I just don't want to go to AT&T.
16. When I wake up in the morning… I wish I had a couple of more minutes in bed.
17. Before I go to bed I… I count my blessings, say a prayer.
18. Right now I am thinking about… how hard it is to pick out a flat screen. You would think it woul be fun getting a new electronic but its actually making my head hurt.
19. Babies are… planned for the future. After buying a house and getting married. Damn me for being tradtional!
20. I get on MySpace… to check my messages. I rarely ever comment.
21. Today I… am picking up my beach cruiser.
22. Tonight I will… have dinner made for me. :)
23. Tomorrow I will… get to ride my new bike and do a litle shopping.
24. I really want to… have it all. Why not?
25. Someone who will most likely repost this… nobody. Not too many people read my blog.

Hitting the big time....

I've been working like crazy for the past couple of weeks barely even noticing summer had begun. I had an epiphany since then and thought back to what I was doing a year ago and man have the times changed.

At the beginning of last summer I was under the impression I was going to lose my job. The over thinker/analyzer/minor OCD'er that I am, I started figuring out my next step career wise. It's funny I say career b/c this still being my early 20's I shouldn't be facing the fact that I may get rolled under a corporate lay off, but I digress. So considering the field I am in I went in to get further licensing. I could have gotten my licensing from some rink-a-dink school kind of like going to driving school with bad jokes, but I decided to go to an institution of higher learning. The hours were brutal 4 days a week, 4 hours a day for the whole summer. On top of my 40+ hour job and handling a household including a child (not mine). The only thing I remember was leaving the office to make it to class and seeing the beautiful 72 degree evenings go to waste. It made me so sad.

So this year considering my "career" is back on track and true I really should be back at the 4 year, I decided to take the summer off. I remember I hated everything last summer b/c I had no time for any fun. I will be back in school in the fall *kicking and screaming*, b/c I can't not finish. I am still working on my house; this is the fun month were I am pimping out my house with the flat screens, the new computer, a new camera and some wireless additions. I realized I have been busting my arse my whole adult life and I barely have any fun to show for it. It's time for me to get a life and have some fun and quit worrying/working so much. Not to say that I am about to drop everything I have going on right now an go follow a band or anything. But hell I need a vacation! Even if the vacation is from within.

So here is to me starting a vaction within my life instead of hoping to get out of my life and start a vacation then. *cheers!*

P.S.: I made Lemon Chicken and herb rice this week. Next week...meat sauce and pasta.

Watch out folks... hell may be freezing over!!!

So last night I got on some whim and offered to COOK DINNER. Not only did I offer, I ACTUALLY DID IT. I called my friend Andy to help me with ideas. Not b/c I can't cook (as I tell everyone I can't) just b/c I actually needed to cook something healthy. I ended up making Keilbasa (sp?) with veggies in a tomato jalapeno sauce. Oh and some whole wheat pasta. Made enough for dinner for 2 and 2 lunches for me.

Wanna hear the scary thing? I somewhat enjoyed it. My gf called me when I was cleaning up the kitchen and she asked me what I was doing and I told her "If I tell you, you won't believe me." She automatically said cooking. I dunno people... This is the beginning of something scary. Me enjoying cooking? The only thing it made me notice is that either my stupid ex took a lot of my cooking stuff or that its still in the garage waiting to be unpacked. Either way... I think if this keeps up I would upgrade to nicer stuff anyway. The nice stuff I had he treated like crap anyway. Like my new platinum rimmed dishes and heavy silver set are things I have acquired since the split and God forbid I would let him get his hands on it.

On the rest of the domestic front. I think my vacuum cleaner is cute and I bought this really cool frame that holds 30- 4"x6" pictures. I dunno if I should fill it with pictures I took for art purposes or if I should fill it with pictures of friends and family. What I may end up doing is buying a second frame (first one for my 2nd/room office, second for my dining or living room) and filling the first one with artistic black and whites and the one that everyone sees with pics of friends and family in color. Something like that.

Next stop... white sale!

Counting...

It's finally Friday :) I am just counting the hours till I get to go home and start my weekend.

Emotionally, I am a little more stabilized. Almost on an upswing really. Even with saying that I fear that I might screw myself. I still worry constantly accross the board. Really I have nothing to worry about that can't be taken care of quite easily. I have had a couple of revelations within the last couple of weeks that have put some issues to rest or have left me at peace.

Lets hope it stays this way.

Poor Muppets

'What" will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Can't think....

I've been trying to come up with something interesting to say for a couple of days for anyone who follows this thing but this is just a few thoughts that have passed through my brain (that i didn't twitter)

1. Guys shouldn't have tramp stamps. Just not sexy.
2. Bras suck.
3. Going to a Dodgers vs. Angels game this weekend and I have fabulous seats.
4. My sibling is getting old... he is going to be 27 on Sunday. Yay him!
5. Work is slowing down... which is good for the summer.
6. The thought of going back to school in the fall = :(
7. I am a vodka girl for a reason... b/c piss water beer gives me a nasty headache.
8. Just b/c I am drunk doesn't make you that much cuter or me that much stupider that I would want to sleep with you.
9. Flatscreen TV here I come!
10. I am thinking of checking out the yoga studio right around the corner from my house. Get off my bum!

Things I've Been Meaning to Say

1. You know it's nto a good day when you are looking forward to it being over before it even starts.
2. Don't drink all of the booze you were supposed to have drank for the 3 day holiday weekend in one night.
3. Sometimes, it's not fame and fortune that will make you happy, a simple hug will warm you just the same.
4. It sucks when your brain and heart are fighting b/c there never seems to be a true winner just a big mess at the end.
5. At the end of the day no matter how much you worry it's not gonna fix itself unless you do something about it.
6. Just b/c other people are happy doesn't mean you have to hate them for it.

Can anyone tell it's just not a good day today?

Twitter....

So for anyone who wants to stalk me.... I got a twitter account... I am under starchase83.

Mentally I have been all over the place. Emotionally I have been pretty steady except for a couple of spikes. One overall good spike one kinda "(U@#)(U#%!" spike. I will get over it. It happens.

Life is good. I want to keep it that way.

Eh, can't stay away from this place...

Just a couple of things.....

living by the beach rocks.

you realize who your friends really are at those times of needs.

you know just b/c you should be into someone - doesn't necessarily mean you will be.

It's funny how much I am enjoying spending time at home by myself.

I actually had a good couple of posts in my head for the last week but this early in the morning I can't spew them out. Besides, I still have a job to do.


Final thought....

So this is what it feels like to be an adult. Happy Early birthday to me. Yay!

The Jig is up.....

I haven't decide for certain the fate of this blog... a lot of stuff in my life is wayyy different now and the people who have access to my life I don't think I want them having access to my blog now. So for now... I am discontinuing this blog. Blogging to me is like my hair color ... when I am starting a new phase in life I need a change (2nd one in). Eitherway, I had been thinking of doing a legitate fancy blog for a while... I have even some posts in my head already waiting. So farewell all... if you need to get a hold of me leave me a comment I will still be getting those.

The Saga Continues....

Since my last post I have been under the weather. I did end up going to San Francisco and it was fabulous! Well for the most part until the car broke down on our way back. I ended up flying back to Sacramento to pick up the car and drive back down.

Then this week... guess what? Pink eye. Again. I went to go see my doctor about it and he prescribed another round of antibiotics and some really nasty stuff for my eyes. He wants me to get my deviated septum fixed. I have had a lot of nose issues for the last couple of years but the thought of having my nose broken and reset does not sound like the best way to spend a week out of work. Nose job anyone?

Happy 100!

Just did a head cout and noticed that this will be my 100th post. Wow. Yay me :).

Anyway, I spent all day at home today. I am sick, again. I seem to fall into these warps where I cant get out of being sick. Sometimes I wonder if I have been running myself too hard but I really dont think so. I have the ongoing flu combined with pink eye. I remember as a child I used to get pink eye very frequently. Sometimes it was a good thing (to get out of PE class) sometimes it was a bad thing (had to miss field trips). It has actually been 2 years since I've had an outbreak... makes it sound like herpes doesn't?

I am afraid if it is going to affect my ability to travel to San Francisco this weekend.

Either my scale is broken....

Or I lost 10 lbs. I am not sure though. Lets hope for the latter; I havent been eating this rabbit/shark food for nothing.

The Man Spot

So, I started a new diet with the suport of my friend "Maria Torres" and have been working at finding new way to eat healthier while eating out. My new diet is the "Suzanne Somer's something something something". Anyway, its basically a lot of veggies and a good chunk of protien and basically no carbs. You know the saying, "You never know what you have until you don't have it anymore"? Man, I never thought of myself as a carb person, but I sure do miss them. I dont ever crave a piece of toast or a bowl of pasta, but a hamburger with no bun? Ludicrous!
Which moves me on to my next point.... I have been eating "no carb" burgers and the only place to get a decent one is from Carl's Jr. I had just gotten my car washed and I didnt want to get the line on my window so I walked in. OMG, the guy to girl ratio 25:1! I guess Carl's knew what they were doing when they put a tart like Paris Hilton to eat a burger and wash a car in their advertising! Now I know where all the boys hang out. ;)

Speaking of restaurants.... the bf and I came to a conclusion about one of our favorite restraunts, Spires. Its a booty call restaurant. Let me 'splain....It's the place where you go that is available when everything else is closed. This place is like Denny's if you got stuck in timewarp 30- 40 years ago. The people who work there are old enough to be my parents/grand parents. Everything/everyone is gloomy. They wear the same drab black & white uniforms. There are no pieces of "flair." Kind of like the sad drunks in Moe's Bar in the Simpsons. There are colorful characters from time to time. Like when the trannies have their monthly meetings there. I am not talking about the passable trannnies I am talking about the 5 0'clock shadow trannies. We went last night b/c it was the only place i could think of that was open late that I could get a new york steak and salad. As we were walking out we saw a handsome late 30 something guy walking in. Not only was he handsome, he was well dressed and was driving an expensive European car. Spires is no the kinda place you would see this guy at unless he was there for some other reason. Was he there to meet his secret lover? Was he there to meet with the trannies? Was he there to meet with one of the trannies that was his secret lover? Who knows.You only go in the darkness of the night, God forbid someone see you there in the day light. You don't invite your friends with you , you don't tell your family about it. You just go eat and leave. Don't ask any of your friends about it b/c they will either say they have never heard of the place.